Was looking at my August05 entries just now cos I wanted to retrieve the fungi photos that I somehow deleted off my laptop when I reformatted it. Anyway that's besides the point. Read through some entries from the past and as that tsunami (perhaps this is one word I should eschew using) of memories came flooding back, bitterness - like driftwood - accompanied it. On retrospect, it strikes me how naive I've been over the past year. I guess in 2005 I must've been but a shadow of who I really am. I never lived for myself, but rather I stupidly lived according to someone's whims and fancies. There was a major misconception on my part that by aligning myself to someone's mindsets/demands, I'd gain his favour - which explains why for the most part of 05 my entries were miserably morbid, incoherent and plain emotional.

Which again leads me to realise that if not for all that drama, I probably wouldn't have been inspired to write, draw, create as much. Now that things have somewhat reached a more cheerful state, I can't help but notice my malignant lack of creative juices. Where words used to flow, there's now a maladroit viscosity. Where pencils used to dash across paper, there's now a sluggish pile of ooze. Perhaps it's true what they say - you're most creative when you're stuck in an emotional rut, cus that's when you're most in tune with your feelings and become more sensitive to your surrounding milieu.

It's a pity, honestly. I know it's not that I don't have the talent, I'm just kinda sucked barren now. I've made myself a promise - when I go abroad, I'm gonna pick up art again. Be it art history, fine art, graphic design.. whatever. I just want to do art again. I miss the scratchy feel of pencil on paper, I miss the sludgy, slippery sensation of dragging a paintbrush loaded with oilpaint across unstretched canvas. I miss observation, heightened sensitivity, accurate consideration of light & shadow, the subtleties and nuances that can be brought out - only if you look at the subject with not just your eyes, but your heart as well.




I don't think I've ever posted these up here. They were from A Levels 05. Not my best work, certainly. In fact I think this piece could've cost me my Distinction in Higher Art. D&P probably pulled me down so bad. Thank goodness I still got my A. Oh and here's a work-in-progress for my Coursework2005. Too bad I don't have the final photo.