when time and confusion collide

Things are sorta looking up I suppose. But then again nothing is ever certain. Perhaps a little bit of ambivalence and unpredictability would be good at this point. I don't really want to bog myself down during this crucial period. It's just prelims, some (selfish) teachers might say (GUARDING THEIR OWN SUBJECT and telling us to forget about others), but to me, I can't afford to say, "just prelims". I need this time to catch up on all the crap that I've missed out.

Sigh. Owen to Newcastle. Hopefully when he starts scoring the goals for them, (Newcastle have yet to score in what - four games?) he can silence his critics. Despite him betraying the Anfield faithful, I must say that I still would welcome him back. In fact, I'm pretty sure that he'd like to come back too, but it was all about the whole money issue. I read on the soccernet forum that we only offered $8m (Owen's selling price) while Newcastle offered $15m. Personally, if Benitez was willing to offer $7m for PETER CROUCH who will be sidelined for half the bloody season, I don't see why he wasn't willing to pour out more for Owen. Plus, there's talk about Cisse going to Monaco on loan. What the? They can't score from open play and they wanna move their strikers out. What bullshit.

I guess after reviewing the performance of old Koppites like Heskey, Murphy and Baros over the weekend, I must grudgingly come to the conclusion that Anfield HAS to be jinxed. Why do these players have success in other clubs but not with us? Baros scored within TEN MINUTES of wearing the colours of Aston Villa, but with us, he couldn't score even if you put a gun to his head. Heskey scored two headers for Birmingham, whereas when he was at Liverpool, all he did was to look like he was gonna fall down while running. Murphy - I've missed him :(

I hope they'll be boosted by the Super Cup win. It's a relatively insignificant trophy, but I suppose they can take it as a good learning experience.

SIGH, OWEN THE MAGPIE :((((((((

Some moron turned on the alarm clock function of my ipod so it rings at 12 midnight and gives me the biggest shock of my life. I thought it was some BURGLAR ALARM, then I realised that my house doesn't have a burglar alarm to start with. Then the ipod starts playing "You're So Damn Hot" by OKGO. "I saw you hanging by the bar, which other girls are riding hot shot, sugar". I have neurotic electronics.

GP today was EASY RIGHT? HAHA. Like thong said - "Confirm get A." (Insert sarcasm here). I punned in my AQ. I was talking about Yuri Gagarin, then I said the moon thingy was an "astronomical feat". Geddit? Astronomical? Ok, ha. ha. -_- I wasn't intending to be funny though. I only realised it after i wrote it. Chew, I'm learning from you!!

After all that talk, I still don't know whether to believe you.

WHAT SURVIVES

Who says that all must vanish?

Who knows, perhaps the flight

of the bird you wound remains,

and perhaps flowers survive

caresses in us, in their ground.

It isn't the gesture that lasts,

but it dresses you again in gold

armor -from breast to knees-

and the battle was so pure

an Angel wears it after you.

--Rainer Maria Rilke

If it were the last time, perhaps I won't cry. I won't want to let those tears mar my vision. Suck out the soul and leave behind an empty, cavernous shell. Step into the August night and perhaps you'll find what you're looking for. Venture away from doubt and confusion, let the darkness envelope you. Warm velvet. Tea leaves that swirl in transparent brown liquid. Bitter - aftertaste included. (Predict my future, oh clairvoyant?) Roses and rubble. Coffee and chaos. Pristine waters, unshrouded cyan. Play on that seesaw. Up and down, repeat. Revel in indecisiveness and ambivalence. Let yourself be thrown around by fate, put yourself in the hands of an empyrean being, and just. float.

I just came back after another day of wasted hours. The National Library sucks. They just implemented this new rule - all bags have to be deposited outside in the locker which only accepts 20c coins, and only can bring in blank paper and stationery. WTF. I asked the guard why and he said "OH, cos we don't want people to tear the books." So, I shot straight at his face "So if I leave my bag outside does that mean I won't tear books?!"

Guard: If you're not happy you can talk to the librarian

Me: Sure, I will.

So I went in and spoke to the librarian. Before I finished talking, she interrupted me, and I felt it was damn rude, so I told her, "Will you please listen to me?!" HAHA. I'm such a bitch. Actually, I knew it's cos they don't want us to do our own revision there, but to go to such an extent to restrict what we want to bring in is treating us like little kids. I asked what if I want to use the references in the library to supplement my notes and I have to bring in my notes? The librarian said they have to VET the notes. Are such measures necessary? The bloody library is so huge and yet there's no allowance for students to study? It's ridiculous! Especially the stupid guard. Asshole. I'm gonna write in to the Straits Times forum.

So after I helped Jiangshui, we went to town to meet vin. Thanks jiangshui for paying for my zinger meal haha. KFC, yay. I think I'm losing it. Big time. I missed my stop when coming home, and the worst thing is, I wasn't even asleep. Shit. I really have to pull myself together.. today was really bad. I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not very happy about things, and I'm just glad that there are people here to make the ordeal easier for me and to alleviate the anguish. Sigh. Why are things so messed up now.

I'm meeting jiangshui later to help him with gp, and then going to meet vin in town for a talk. Thank you yiffy for the marks and spencer EXTRA CHOCOLATEY chocolate biscuits. Really.. all these little gestures mean a lot to me, especially since it's been rough lately.

Bought my new shoes and more art stuff today. I wonder if my parents could sense my weariness and halfheartedness. I guess being out with them makes me a different person. Taking me away from public spectacle and just throwing me into the whole family thing really helps. I'm a family person at heart, and I'm truly thankful for my mom and dad for being there for me today. I don't talk to them about my stuff, but I'm just grateful that they take time off to spend with their previously-estranged-cos-of-training eldest daughter. I know they really care, and that's all I need right now - serious TLC. Sometimes I feel like a little girl again. I never was pampered as a child, but I guess now my parents seem to be pampering me more? Buying me expensive stuff, taking me out for lunch and dinner, asking me if I want to go shopping.. Its times like these that make me feel like mommy's or daddy's girl - which is sweet. :)

Here's to sweetness, to people who care, to people who used to care, chocolate biscuits, asics shoes, art friend at bras basah, daler rowney oil paint, prata with cheese, and most of all, that search for that elusive castle amongst the fog. That search continues.

Thank you to Dav, Vin and Mr Lee for cheering me up today. Really appreciate it a lot. Though I admit now I'm still at a loss.

Yay, new monochromatic template. Making templates and doing anything art related is pretty cathartic. I guess it takes my mind off things, helps me focus on what's right. There's no point ruminating and obsessing over things that are stubbornly inert.

I won't deny that I'm upset though. Everyone hates to lose something or someone. It's human nature. Contrary to what Dav and Vin think I should do, I actually still preserve that tiny bit of faith that everything will be ok. I don't want to be cynical anymore.

So I dug out my forsaken pair of rose-tinted glasses last night, swept away the dust bunnies, and I thought I was ready to wear them permanently again.

But boy, was I hella wrong. I'm chucking the rose tinted glasses aside yet again. So much for a rejuvenated optimism huh? Just when I'm prepared to banish the cynicism and paranoia six feet underground, things just have to invert itself.

I honestly thought the best of the situation. Really, I did. I even managed to put a muzzle on the inate bitch in me, I managed to keep my temper in check, talk things out rationally.. but all I felt was like I could be better off talking to a block of wood. Waiting for a reply in vain, staring at my phone as if I was watching paint dry, hoping fervently that the little yellow envelope icon would pop up on the external screen.. in the end, it's just not meant to be huh?

I had faith. Tons and tons of it, but suddenly, I think it's all evaporated. I'm being mercurial, so sue me, but I can't help it. It's not once, twice, thrice, but all the time. I don't know how I managed to even summon up all that strength and belief and evade all the negatives. Maybe that's what it was.. escapism. Looking at the sunny side and negating the dark, refusing to acknowledge that things aren't as rosy as I make it out to be.

The funny thing is that this time I'm *quite certain that it's beyond all salvation. It's never felt like this before.. never been so distressing and helpless. The dull ache is of a greater magnitude than ever, and I'm seriously too exhausted to actually do something about it. It's always been action on my part without reaction from you, and it's tiring.

I don't think its any use to try and bend the pieces of the puzzle and deliberately try to make them fit with one another. A square block won't fit in a round hole. That's just it. Maybe it's time to be stronger than I've ever been. Time to whip out that solid outer shell again, and seek necessary solace.

Terribly sorry about today. Really wished I could have said yes to dinner but I had to rush a lot of crap for art. Ended up staying in school till 830, but when I walked out, the bloody gate was locked with a sign saying "Toilet Break, 10 mins". SO I waited for a DAMN 20mins before the asshole of a guard came out. I was fuming that I sent Jerome into the toilet to chase him. Haha.

Anyway, to youuu I'm really really sorry.. its just that we're on different wavelengths most of the time. I guess it's true what they say about opposites attracting huh? Neither of us are at fault but I do wish you could be a little more open-minded and less self-possesed at times. What you said really hurt me, but I guess I've gotta give and take since I caused you to react this way in the first place. I honestly don't mean any harm at all, and I stand by everything I said. I know in my heart what's right and I believe I've found it in you. Perhaps there might be potholes where you suddenly lose your footing and plummet in, but you just gotta climb up and out, ignore the grime and dregs left over, and look towards the sky. (THE CASTLE)

As I look back at these 10 months or so since I've gotten to know you better, I realise that I must have been insanely blind or numb not to have found the connection sooner. Anyhow, better late than never, no? It's so surreal.. the fact that next year we'll be seeing less of each other. (This applies to people like Chew, Shiwei, Henry, Vin too) But you know what? Throw us the challenge. I'm up for it. WE'RE up for it.

It's all because of you that I keep on going. My protein-celltech-accelerade-endurox-creatine-myoplex-echinacea-glucoline-eyedrops all rolled into one. Never have I felt so grateful for having someone there to listen to me bitch and whine, giving me the necessary reality checks. The laps are run for you. The weathering of the storms with you. The (insert cliche here) with you.

It's when you're absolutely jaded and sore that one little message with "Silly girl...." in it would be your pick-me-up. Better than Bailey's Irish Cream, much more therapeutic than Kiehl's Blue Herbal Cleanser. Dolce, yes. I'm starting to see the castle beyond the fog.

Diagnosis - Conjunctivitis, but in its early stage, so no harm done, thankfully. Gotta lay off contacts for a week or more, so have to wear those glasses that - according to chewy - make me look like edna mode. HAH.

SIGHHHHH Chelsea beat Arsenal. I'm not a particular Arsenal fan but I do have a soft spot for players like Ljungberg, Pires and Bergkamp. I don't see how Chelsea are deserving winners at all, having to rely on Roman's Roubles to propel them all the way up to the pinnacle of the league table. Sure, they've spent the money well and bought fantastic players (cue Robben, Drogba, Crespo, Carvalho) but most of these players are spent warming the bench. Look where Veron is now? Perhaps they'll realise that they can only field ELEVEN players at a time so what's the point of buying so many great talents and wasting them? If you look at other teams like Arsenal, Liverpool even. Not many of their players are superstars. Pool only have Gerrard who's slightly more prominent than the rest, and Arsenal? They have of course Henry who's a little more prolific. But Chelsea? Lampard, Crespo, Cole, Terry, Wright-Phillips, ESSIEN, Makelele....... we could go on and on.

Speaking of Pool, though they got their victory over Sunderland, I hate to say this, but they played amatuerishly. Sunderland found their space on the left, where inexperienced Warnock was often found cornered. I don't know why Benitez doesn't play Riise instead. He's more solid. Our central defence is ooookay, though not as impregnable as the old Henchoz - Hyypia pairing (till that one fell apart). Carragher and Hyypia now are still strong and a force to be reckoned with, but still prone to silly little howlers. Finnan on the right is excellent, and from what I saw on Saturday, he and Carragher are moving up a little to help in the attack too. The problem, though, lies in the strikers. Morientes seems a little hesitant, and Cisse was played out of position. They keep squandering chance after chance, having a powerful midfield (Zenden, Sissoko, Cisse, Gerrard, Alonso) and not being able to slot the ball into the net. MORIENTES AS LONE STRIKER AGAIN. BAH.

Ok I should stop, since half the people who read this blog don't know what I'm talking about anyway. Haha.

Its images like these that make my day. Aren't they absolutely BEAUTIFUL? Fungi at Linden Drive just behind NJ, taken using a Nikon D70. I really really wished I had a macro lens at that point, but I guess making do with what I have, this is pretty enough, and when printed on photo paper.. yay!

My eyes are really itchy and painful.. its been like that for a week already so I'm gonna see the doctor tomorrow. Sigh. Missing school AGAIN. Hopefully I'll be ok to go for art in the afternoon though. Thanks for your concern :)

Veli: Think I'm gonna be the next one to argue with Mr Lee. Ugh. He was being such a bitchface, suggesting how I was gonna fail art, and told me that "YOUR OTHER SUBJECTS ARE IN NOVEMBER. YOUR COURSEWORK IS DUE SOONER." So on undertone, he's trying to say that I should neglect my other subjects and focus on art art art art art art alone. Uhm, seriously, no can do. I rather not do well in art and get 3 As and one Merit/Distinction than get CCCC and an Ungraded. It was like, totally unreasonable. For math, at least Ms Ling told me that I had to strike a balance when I told her about art. SHE didn't ask me to see her for math every single free period did she? SHE didn't imply that I should throw away all my other subjects and concentrate on Math did she? I guess I must be grateful that my parents were in the carpark already so I had to rush, or else I would have argued with him quite badly.

Anyway, after Art today, met Dav, Yif and Mel to watch Betrayal by Pinter at Singapore Repatory Theatre. Sorry to dav and yif for making you guys walk circles round Merchant Court Hotel! The play was fantastic.. and we stayed for the open dialogue with the director, Wang Meiyin, and I'm glad we did. She was beguiling, energetic and so full of passion that I felt so proud of her for putting up this splendid production. Plus she was so YOUNG! Twenty-ish, and she had this lovely pair of gold shoes that me and dav kept staring at them. Haha.

My parents won't let me out tmr, so have to cancel the study ~~date~~ session with Chew :( Sorry jiejie. Another time? Prob have to get my dad to fetch me to Linden Drive so I can take more closeup photos of the fungi there which - thankfully - are still there. Bah humbug.

I'm really pissed. Really really pissed. Just a general sense of pure irritation at anyone and anything. Don't cross my path, cos seriously, you're gonna get your head chewed off by my motor mouth, epitomizing "a mile a minute". Fuck you, dammit. I'm not your bloody dog, not your fucking spare tyre and not YOUR exhibition piece. You've got an inflated ego and you really need to do something about it. Just fuck off and get the hell out of my life.

Colours was a total letdown. The organisation was crap, resembling mass chaos and utter bewilderment. Peishan looked cute :) The decor sucked, everything was so disorganised. At least my name's printed correctly on the certificate. Haha. I didn't take any pictures with Junyi's cam that I borrowed though. Guess I just wasn't in the mood to take my own photos, neither was I in the mood to take group photos either. Throughout the whole ceremony I was just hoping and wishing for the whole thing to be over. Though I still love my courdroy pants to bits and three cheers for Lancome Juicy Tubes, kthanks.

I'm really pissed. My cam is screwed and I can't take photos for colours tmr. Desperately trying to source a camera from people.

Mobilised the entire junior guys team today to help me for art. I was like "Ask everyone to come down to the art room third level NOW. van needs help." Thanks to Sean and Liyuan who very sportingly agreed to be my models today. I know it must be awkward, doing weird body contortions and stuff, but the photos turned out really really nice especially when I print them out A4 size. There are some exceptionally beautiful ones which I'm very happy with. Thanks guys, you're the bestest juniors ever, unlike the rest who were SO RELUCTANT. Especially you. Made me hate you even more. I was THAT desperate that I had to approach you, but yet, you can't even give me face. Bastard.

Oh and for the record, I ponned school for the first time in 17+ years today to rush D&P. Then I went to school only to be told that D&P was postponed. I RUINED MY CLEAN RECORD FOR NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Moneytree Authority of Singapore (MAS) launched a brand new Singapore Dollar bill, which has been named the "Peanut Series". Each peanut series bill is legal tender equivalent to 600,000 Singapore Dollars, henceforth known as 1 Peanut.

The CEOs across the Republic have been quick to applaud the launch of the 1 Peanut bill. In an interview with a Mr. Durai, a CEO of a
philanthropic organisation, who wished to remain anonymous, he said, "Now I don't have to carry suitcases of money home. Prior to the issuing of the Peanut, I had to carry a whole suitcase of small change home every month. This is because the people who paid me tend to do so in small amounts, like $5 dollars each time, and it can be very irritating. Now I am just paid 1Peanut with a single bill, slip it quickly into my wallet and off I go. It's very convenient!"

The reaction by the general public was however cool. Most said that it is unlikely that they will ever use a 1 Peanut bill. With a average
national income of S$3000 (0.005 Peanut), the average Singaporean will need about 2 lifetimes to save a Peanut. Said a Mr. Tan, who is a plumber, "The other day, I installed a golden tap in some CEO's bathroom and he paid me using 1 Peanut for the $1000 golden tap. I tell him where got enough change?

Watch out for the newest security features on the 1 Peanut note, including a new watermark which replaces the traditional lion head. The
new watermark can only be seen under an intense bright light and close scrutiny because of its extreme lack of transparency.

According to MAS spokesman, the added security features are extremely important given that 1 Peanut can probably buy three 4-room HDB flats, or 10 Nissan Sunnies, the average Singaporean will be very tempted to lay their hands on a Peanut."

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH :)

1733 words. That's not so bad, since I don't really think I made sense. Think Ms Suhaili has gotta spend time organising my argument for me. Oh well. I learnt a lot about Third World countries though.

Chew has a cool time machine computer! That's so cute. Sigh. I'm sad. I hate my printer, and I have nothing to write here today.

Today was fantastic :):) Research on 3rd world countries at the National Library, lunch at Jack's Place, mroe research, quasi-shopping trip around citylink, and a rather adventitious decision to watch fireworks later in the night. Actually, all I wanna say is thank *you for today. The 12 hours just flashed by and I really wish it were longer. The Team Singapore jacket, glass castle (batteries not included, so why not buy them on the spot? =]), snapping my clamshell phone shut when I try to take a picture, egging me on to get Michelle Chia's autograph and saying "EH, you mean you ain't Felicia Chin??!?!", cigarette smoke, the baby with watery eyes.. what more could we ask for?

The fireworks were a breathtaking way to end the night. Bumped into Yong Hui on the Esplanade Bridge and again as we were walking off. Showers of gold, green, red, yellow illuminated the sky, dyeing it a multitude of colours. Standing on the seats, nearly falling into the bougainvilleas.. watching the traffic on the opposite expressway crawl sl o ooo w ly cos the drivers wanted to watch the fireworks.. thank you.

One more thing - now that EPL has started, I'm prepared for more late nights. Told myself that I'll only watch one match per week, max. Yesterday's matches offered me two tantalising options. Man U vs Everton, and of course, Liverpool vs Boro. No prizes for guessing which one I watched, albeit the fact that the Pool game was at midnight. The 0-0 stalemate betrayed the quality of the Pool side though. I was rather satisfied with their performance, apart from the bad luck that seemed to shroud the Riverside as Gerrard missed a slew of chances. Like what the commentator said, he could have had two hat-tricks, but luck just wasn't on his side. I thought it was a rather dirty game though. Both sides committed so many fouls, and Ehiogu was even sent off. Ray Parlour had divine intervention on his side as he was given the benefit of the doubt so many times. Even Pool themselves - they tend to play with more tackles now, and I'm not sure if I like that style of play.

So, what's with the bad luck in the EPL? I thought Rafa Benitez's decision to go with 4-5-1 with Moro spearheading the attack didn't get them anywhere at all. El Moro needs support, and I don't think he can do well as lone striker. Only after half time when Rafa took him off and replaced him and Garcia with the two-pronged attack of Cisse and Baros did things start to look lively. So now, counting MIA Peter Crouch, Benitez has four strikers. As much as there has been talk about Baros leaving, I don't want him to :( He looks sexy in their away kit. Okay, no. He has a bright bright future.. and I'll be sad to see him go. I'm missing Smicer already, and Dudek, our maestro of the Champs League.. (Reina seemed lost) But as many soccer fans would agree - watch out for Pool. They have the potential to be lethal, but only if they're blessed with good fortune. But you know what, if all else fails, Rafa Benitez should just pack the whole Liverpool team up and move them to the La Liga or some other European continent, where they seem to do very well. :)

STOCK TAKING

White pants
Greyish courdroy pants
Lavender camisole
Teal camisole
Brown wraparound top

TOTAL: $313.57 from Esprit

oops.

6 brushes
2 big tubes of oil paint (Titanium White, Flesh Tint)
4 small tubes (Burnt Sienna, Sap Green, Burnt Umber, Yellow Ochre)
Plastic Palette
Wood palette
Purified Linseed Oil
Turpentine
A3 Acrylic/Oil paper

TOTAL: approx $82.

Oh dear, and I haven't added in my lenses money yet. This is quite bad. Burning a big hole in my parents' pockets. Thank goodness I don't spend this much everyday or else we'll have to sell our house and our car.

What is the world coming to.. for the record, me and chew are vvvv good friends. He's my jiejie. THAT'S IT. Good grief. Now to alter the viewpoint of half the freaking school & certain teachers.

Sigh.. there's a History S essay due next week, and I haven't even started research. Looks like this Sat&Sun will be spent holed up in the library. Thank goodness National Library's open so I don't have to travel all the way to Woodlands. Who wants to go mug with me? Msg me please I need a mugging partner. Can't wait till Dav moves to the east in Sept!

Think I'm really losing it.. erupting into hysterics during break and lunch.. hah. EVERYONE'S breathing helium these days. Guess it's really a sign of how much stress we've all been facing, that we have to resort to lame jokes and ridiculous antics to alleviate the pressure. It's working though. Without all of you people, I think I would have torn out all my hair by now :(

Today was a blast. We're always ordering too much food for two people huh? Playing "hide-and-seek" in the carpark.. thank goodness that car was at that strategic position eh? Or else we'd have been caught. Haha. Plus that SUPER bitter chinese tea which you added too much tea leaves into.. me being better at math, for once.. *beams*

Just a smile, and the rain is gone :)

Oh nooooo there's school tomorrow sulk sulk. I'm seriously dreading it :( If not for certain people in school who keep me sane, I think I would have erupted by now. So, thank you all of you who brighten up gray concrete. Wheeeeee. Bwahahhaha.

"Sigh, been feeling kinda sick these few weeks.. :("

"Oh"

Van waits for further response..

"OH YAH DID I TELL YOU THAT MY HAMSTER'S LEG GOT STUCK?!??!?"

My once voracious appetite is diminishing, and I mean SERIOUSLY diminishing. I guess it's due to me feeling sick these few days. I've lost a whopping 2kg, and people who know me should know that I haven't gone below 45kg since I started rowing. I look at food these days, and I don't get tantalised anymore. I even REJECTED Gelare today, cos I was full from lunch. It's getting a little worrying, and I feel not myself. But I'm not anorexic though, hell no.

Oh yeah, finally bought my new phone. Traded in a spare Samsung phone lying around the house and bought another Samsung one, the E730C. It's pretty neat, and I really like the sleek black colour. I'm still VERY attached to my old Motorola E398 though.. that's why I refused to trade it in. I've sent and received many precious messages with that phone, and it's been over a year since I got it but well.. I'm still rather fond of it, albeit the rotting keypad haha.

Can you believe where the whole entire week went to? It's like, POOF, it's Tuesday and after tomorrow it's back to school! I've only been to school once since last Wed (not counting yesterday) and the notion of going back seems kinda surreal. Hah. I sound like a bloody delinquent. This year I've taken more MCs than I have in my LIFE dammit. 2005 just doesn't cut it for me =/

Finally Wonka-ed today! After MONTHS AND MONTHS of fervent waiting for the movie to hit the screens. OMG I love love love Tim Burton and his magic. The movie was so hyperbolic but yet managed to not be OTT, which was, in my opinion, the starring quality. Scenes like the "I need to find a heir/hair" part, the solitary Wilbur Wonka house at the end of the movie.. the OOMPALOOMPAS!! Gosh. I want one for my own. I wanted to kidnap the chief oompaloompa, (sans mashed caterpillars of course) and Doris. HEH. Go watch if you haven't! It's amazing.

Tomorrow's Family Lunch Day, possibly at Muthu's Curry again. (We do this every year) Fascinating place, Little India. Oh and prob gonna look at and (hopefully) buy a new phone. Eyeing Nokia 6101 or one of the new Samsung flips.

I have a lot to say about recent articles flooding The New Paper about the whole blogosphere, but maybe later. Guilt is starting to kick in after spending a whole day out. MUGGINGTIME. Yayee.

I slept for 15+ hours yesterday. Fever, chills, body aches, headache.. and to think I was feeling fine and dandy in the morning that I even went to school to do art till ablout 6pm. Came home, popped the Febricol and immediately fell asleep despite Weejin's cajoles of asking me to take a nice cold shower first. Didn't wake up till 5.19am the next morning, but then seeing that everyone was still dead to the world, I went back to the comforts of my bed and woke up again at 10. Whoa.

And now, on a sluggish Sunday morning, after 15+ hours of sleep, all I feel like doing now is..

You guessed it, SLEEP.

But facing the looming Prelims and the harsh reality of the fact that I'm seriously lagging behind in work, of course I have to coerce myself to plonk myself at my desk, sieve through the multitudinous array of notes, fish out my highlighters and start highlighting, and actually try to be a sponge for a day.

Come on, van. Remember the supermugger promise? (I shall comfortably neglect the fact that the other half of the supermugger promise is currently at MacRitchie capping in his C1.) Yes van. Studying is fun. Uhm - thrown in as a desperate measure - HEART AND SOUL???

I'm in a lot of pain. I think it's gastritis. The doctor says it might be caused by the antibiotics that I'm taking.. but I still have to complete the course. The thing is, I don't have an appetite because of the gastric pains, and when I don't eat, it causes more gastric pains. You know, chicken and egg. Just now, wave after wave of pain hit me and I could barely speak. Had to end my conversation with him and I just sat at my desk, a statue. Immovable, bent double. My entire body felt like it was crumbling. Just to type this now takes a great deal of effort. I honestly don't know what I'll do if this hits me in school tomorrow. I really really don't know.

When I look back, I can't help but ask myself, how did I ever get the courage to leave it all behind? Where on earth did I summon the guts to actually be firm after two whole years? Honestly, I don't know why I'm busy ruminating about the distant past. I guess it's the after-effects of having way too much sleep. The questions of "what if" keep running through my mind. What if things had turned out differently.. or what if there was just ONE more A1 in the O Levels Cert? Would I still be who I am now? I won't call this regret, for I'm content the way I am now. If you ask me, I can't give you a straight answer as to why the heck these thoughts just suddenly flood my mind.

For those of you who know what I'm talking about, I guess you must be pretty.. surprised to know that I still think about this issue even though it's been over a year. (For those who don't get it, just read again.) Two years. It isn't a very long time, neither is it short. It's enough for two people to fully understand each other and their next of kin. Perhaps I made a big mistake, I'll never get to find out. LITTLE FLOWER. Cripes. Even as I say that, I don't feel much. It's just a sick numbness that resonates in my heart. But maybe this numbness means much more. I don't even dare to think about it.

It's 2 plus AM in the morning, and I'm getting these crazy jumbled up thoughts. If I'm regretting, I only have myself to blame, for letting a brilliant 2 years get flushed down the drain. I'm pretty sure what I'm feeling now is not regret, but then again, I've been known to get things wrong. Maybe it's nostalgia, when you click on Friendster profiles and accidentally stumble on that of your sister, and from there it leads to your sis-in-law, whose photos feature her husband - your brother - WHO LOOKS SO DAMN LIKE YOU.

It triggers off the awful realisation that I haven't seen you since 18th June 2004. Surprised that I can still remember the date? Eleven. That number used to matter so much. It still does, honestly. On the 11th of each month I subconsciously think "Hey, is there something I need to do on this day?". Then I realise, NO not anymore. Even after so long, the 11th of each month still brings back a sea of memories. Call me crazy, mercurial, obssesive, and I would kinda agree.

Throughout the past year, our correspondence has dwindled to the pathetic "hi" and "good luck for your races". It's a stark contrast to what used to be, and if you ask me, I can honestly say that I miss the inane conversations over MSN. The times every Sunday in 2001 when I'd mooch in front of the comp to wait for you to finish church and come online. THAT time when you told me your mother prefered Christians. I miss the lame jokes, the Thailand trip (crazy two hour room-to-room phone call), the bitching about your sis, the tales you told when you returned from either Australia or, later, Arizona every year. Or maybe that episode about the Lysol and the ants in your garden. You walking up and down the camera when a Mediacorp show was filming outside your house. Or that time when you rang to tell me you nicked a whole can of abalone and ate the whole thing without your parents' knowledge. Your shifting from one end of the island (Changi) to another (Clementi).

Even that zoo trip still brings back fond memories. I have the photos somewhere, stashed in my cupboard. I don't even dare to look at them again. NO WORDS CAN EXPRESS... do you remember? I know that one in which we stand beside that life-sized giant Cornetto. I think it was in August 2002. Signs, Minority Report, Lilo and Stitch (Youth Day 2002), Panic Room.. to name a few. Esplanade rooftop accompanied with apologies and tears, and taking photos with your Siemens phone whose attached camera you bought off ebay. That outstanding phonebook entry where you saved both our names and our numbers in one.

It amazes even myself how much detail I can still remember. It awes me even more that it is in my capacity to type so much about you. Then again, how can 2 years (5, if you count every year that I've known you) be condensed into one miniscule blog entry? Somehow as I type, there's this bitterness welling up my throat (which has nothing to do with the medication I'm taking), and yet there's an overarching sense of guilt which I hurriedly try to push away. Guilt, double entendre. Guilt for letting go, and guilt for thinking about things which I shouldn't even be thinking about.

Then again, maybe it IS the medication, messing with my synapses. Maybe one day, I'll look back and finally decide to delete this entry. I don't know. Maybe someone might actually use this entry against me. It scares me to think about how much I've actually revealed here.

I think I'm dyingggg. My whole abdomen feels like it's being YANKED out of my body. So far for the past 3 weeks, I've missed one day of school each. It's quite bad bad bad. Thankfully today I only have 2 periods of Lit and one of Math, both of which I can borrow stuff to copy.

On retrospect, I think the past week has been one of the worst weeks of my life, save that great last K4 race with Shumin, Char and Michelle. That race was an honour. To be able to race against Indonesia and our own National team was really a fantastic experience for me. Despite the fact we got eaten alive, I still say it was terrific. We totally kept our cool and focused on what was right, and.. the feeling was different. I'm gonna miss K4 a lot.

Then there were many other issues, which are a bit too personal, but I'm glad everything's been sorted out. The hooking of pinkies as a form of promise.. and here we are, a brand new start again. I just hope that after dinner that day, communication can improve and there will be more of tolerance rather than temperamental behaviour. The newborn hamsters are really adorable.. and the fat one looks like you :)