when time and confusion collide

Please. Stop reporting stuff about the tsunamis. Stop all the photos of devastation, rubble, coffins, bloated corpses etc. I don't think I can take another day of the New Paper with such reports littering the front few pages. It's making me retch. The ugly side of Mother Nature hence unveiled. To think that I always do tributes to Mother Nature in my artwork. Today, all I feel like doing is hunt down that fucking bitch, and wring her neck.

I'm making New Year's Resolutions again. Wonder how many I'll keep. I know I'll make one now, "I shall stop swearing so much" and then I'll break it tomorrow, yes, even before 2005 comes around. Well done, van.

The guys in our team are suddenly getting increasingly popular. All kena.

New template. Yeah. I like it :) ~~Sorry about the missing tagboard. It'll be up soon I guess. Once I sort out the colours and stuff.~~ Tagboard's back up!

Been feeling kinda under the weather lately. Been hit by the flu bug. Argh. Plus my throat's all choked up. Gee. I hate hate hate the feeling, especially since school's gonna reopen soon. I want school. :):)

Sorry about the angst-ridden last post. Just needed to get all the pent up negative energy off my chest. I realise that lately this blog has "EMO RANTS" plastered all over it, and I'm sorry to all of you who actually wanna read something meaningful here.

My dad brought us to Equinox at the Swissotel today to celebrate my very belated birthday. Buffet at 55+++ pax. It was oh so sinful, but I felt like I died and went to food heaven. A variety of sashimi and sushi, oysters, mussels, scallop, slipper lobster etc for appetiser, leg of lamb, ham with caramel sauce, venison, codfish, turkey with giblet and cranberry sauce, PAN FRIED FOIE GRAS WITH PORT WINE SAUCE, beef shank soup for mains, and the most decadent array of desserts I've seen for a long time. Fig Creme Brulee, Cherry Crumble, Almond bread and butter pudding, Lime Sorbet, Champagne Mango Trifle... god. I'm sorry to say that me being the greedy pig, ate all of that and more.

BUT I redeemed myself :):) I abstained from eating much at the barbecue. Spent the whole night playing assholedaidee and taking photographs. It just wasn't my lucky night. Five straight assholes in a row while playing with Mindy, Chit, Leep, Jasmin and Huiying. Things got better when I played with Weejin, Alan, Chunhow, Audrey and Lina though. Weejin kept winning! Some people get all the luck. It was darn hilarious though. Chunhow: "I can call home with my cards!!" *grin* Photos soon, the cam's charging :):)

Laaaayydees and Geeentlemennn, standing on one side of the ring, weighing a total of 700kg we have... THE GIRLS TEAM! Aaaaaannnd, on the other side, weighing a total of approximately 1500kg, we have THE GUYS TEAM!!!! Oh no, look, who's that sandwiched in the centre??

Name: Vanessa

Age: 17

Weight: <50kg

Event: K1-500m

Post: Ex-co Non Portfolio

Job Description: MEDIATOR between both guys and girls team.

Yes, so what's an Exco NonPort supposed to do? I think we can create a new post in the Exco - Liaison Officer. Why do the girls always have to make me the one who discusses stuff with the guys? Team chalet tomorrow. "Oh, let Van plan with Chunhow and Junxu cos she's more outgoing". Let Van do this let van do that. Van's closer with the guys. So, van, go tell the guys stuff! What's the POINT of having a team-bonding chalet if the girls don't wanna get involved themselves???

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel really trapped in the middle, like I'm always the bridge between the two teams. We need to gel, and somehow I've been telling everyone that but no one seems interested. The team needs Yong to tell us to mingle before we mingle. Whatever happened to sincerity? I'm sick and tired of having "Social I/C" in my job description. I just feel like I'm totally making a fool of myself, encouraging everyone to mix around and seeing no response. I'm drained, and I wash my hands off the team bonding fiasco. It's their team too, not mine alone.

You know what, just get off my case. Like it's my fault that my whole life is being taken over by training and team stuff. Look, I don't have a fucking choice okay so stop making it sound like I totally ENJOY having my life run by the events of the team. DON'T yell at me the moment I fucking open the door to step home. Just cut me some slack and quit giving me even more trouble by threatening to complain and whatnot. I'm honestly really sick and tired of you chewing my head off when it's not my fucking fault. Stop threatening to pull me out of the team cos I won't LET myself get pulled out. I'll go for training, you can't fucking stop me.

*Phew. Just letting off some steam. Yes everyone, meet the parents.

I'm kinda getting sick of the green-ness in the template. Gonna whip up a new one soon, once I clear my Lit, History, Math and Art stuff. Oh, wait. That's all the subjects I take. Which means I haven't done homework for every single subject I take in school. Why, hello society, face it. Procrastination reigns.

You're looking good :):):)

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

So what if we don't have Christmas typical of a Hallmark card? I'm just glad to have so so many people texting sending seasonal greetings. Thanks to Mel, Dav, Chew and other people I've forgotten, for the cards. Really glad to have a bunch of people like you guys to brighten up my day :)

Everytime we look at Vanny

We ask ourselves surely there can't be many

So nice to spare me a penny

And so lame and zany.

With so pretty a face

Having guys falling all over the place

The answer to that is:

Not Any!!

*points above. That was in the card that chew sent me. Erm, thanks, I guess. Ripping off Roald Dahl eh? -grin-

Anyway, have a FANTASTIC Christmas, regardless of how you spend it :):)

I broke my pullups record today! Did 10 this morning before training. The last one was a big struggle though. I had initially aimed to MEET my pb of 9, but under encouragement from the guys I managed one last one to round it off to ten. So much lactic acid. Bah.

I'm not good lately. Things just haven't been going well - which I shant elaborate here cos I know that manymany people read this. I just don't know what I want. So many decisions to make, but yet I'm just too damn fickle to make up my mind. I just can't seem to put my foot down and be decisive. I feel I've lost myself, and I'm just too tired to search to get myself back. It's like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into quicksand, a plethora of emotions just swirling - an indecipherable tsunami. I need a break. Just a temporary relief from everything. Mm, a pina-colada while sitting on a fluffy pink cloud. A ticket to the Maldives for Xmas anyone?

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh fuck.

Thanks for the top and the earrings, Andrew :):) Sure did come as a surprise, haha.

Went for dinner with Mr Ng, Ling, Vic, Jean, Huimin, Steph, Van Quay, Bong and Shijue yesterday. It was really really nostalgic. Really miss IJ and the class. It's just so.. GOOD to see everyone again after so long. Thanks Vic for organising this. Took some photos, but really lazy to upload them now. (Don't kill me, Ling) Felt fat for eating so much.

I'm beginning to get in the Xmas mood. Looking forward to the team party next week. Been listening to lots of xmas songs lately. Actually, I listen to xmas songs all the time. I remember in March, James let me listen to a compilation of all time favourite carols. I think of Christmas as something involving snow, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, mugs of hot cocoa, stockings by the fireplace. The smell of pine needles, warm and fuzzy fur coats and lots of photo taking. Basically a lot of traditional stuff. Sadly, we rarely get that here. Christmas revolves so much around hardcore partying and the dancing after getting heavily intoxicated while guzzling all that wine. It's a pity. The traditions and customs of Ye Olde Christmas really appeal to me more.

Here's what I've been up to recently:

Yup it's for my A Level art paper. Preparatory studies. I'm doing a tribute to the Amazon Rainforest. Mm.

Canoe Polo today was fun, though could sense that the girls are super rusty having not played for so long. Thanks to Justin, Dav, Claresta, Eunice for the belated bday wishes :):)

I didn't get my miracle. I wasn't EXPECTING him to remember but I guess I was kinda hoping, deep down in the recesses of my heart that he would. Oh well. Miracles don't happen after all.

Three more hours, and the day is over. Honestly, can't wait to get the day over and done with. Today honestly sucked. What with horrible mentoring in the morning for the appetiser, 24 sets of simple (20xpush ups, 20xcrunches, 20x squats, 20xcalf raises, 2min boxing) while the rest ran in Macritchie for the main course AND a whacking from Yong for dessert. Bah. But nevertheless, still gotta thank the following people:

Ben, for the HUMONGOUS cake and the Jay Chou book. (Though I'm gonna take forever to read it - it's all in Fan Ti Chinese)
Weejin for the necklace and the cake :)
Thong for the Roxy shorts. Don't worry, they fit :):)
The Girls Team for the birthday song and the 37Degrees tank, though you guys forgot to remove the price tag.. heh.
Chew for the $30 of which $7 is already spent on earrings. So, thanks for the earrings :)
Waileong for the $30 Kino voucher, the necklace and the pig *grin
Daddy/Mom for the Burberry handbag and Gucci Envy Me perfume

Also have to thank people like Yiffy, Szewei, Lingy, Huimin, Gina, Shiyin, James, Cher, Charlene etc for the messages and stuff :) You guys really made my day less sucky. Muchos Gracias. -heart-

Looks like I won't be getting my miracle. Three more hours. I'll wait till the day is over..

Seventeen at last. What a revelation. (Insert sarcasm here) I hate birthdays. They make me feel very lonely. I dunno. It's just me. Today I will be waiting for something. I don't think it will actually happen but I can't evade the fact that I'm hoping for this miracle. Is that too much to ask for? A miracle for my birthday? I bet to most of you I'm speaking like Swahili or something. I will wait. Quietly, patiently, until the clock strikes 12 and the 15th of December rolls around.

Sorry for the emotional overload in the last post...Well, 3rd place. I don't know whether to be upset or not because I felt it was a race where there were many many minor glitches which eventually resulted in us throwing the race lead away. There wasn't time to warm up and I neglected that - doing a 5-40 takeoff, resulting in me dying at MARINA. Gah. Ironically, during training we were the best K2 in terms of portage, even better than Sofia and Yihui, but during the race it was the portage that killed us. Nevertheless, screw ups or not, we rowed our best, truly whacked, and I can say that Lina and I are glad to have emerged stronger after this race.

Very proud of the girls team. Every one of us got top 3 positions regardless of craft. I'm glad that the people who beat us were from our team :):) It's promising, but not really the time to be complacent, cos this is just the beginning *beams.

Sigh. Liverpool lost the Merseyside Derby 1-0. Really, when I thought Benitez was doing a great job with his subs, he takes wonderman Xabi Alonso out of the starting XI and replaces him with Salif Diao. Ohforgoodnesssakes. I supposed he must have his tactical reasons for starting Diao ahead of Alonso but whatever strategy he was playing, it failed big time. Traore, Josemi, Kewell too were big flops. I thought the major disaster was KIRKLAND. *Grr. He was the one who was to blame for the goal. I want Dudek back. Sighh.

Fate grabs you by the arm, and twists it. Even when you're yelling out in pain, it still won't let go. Fate gives you a moment of absolute joy, and then wrenches it away from you, bringing you back to square one again.

I don't want something fleeting, something transitory. Happiness. Short-lived happiness. It flickers, fades. Three, two, one, it's gone.

Fate coerces you to do things you don't want to do, even if it's the most difficult thing you have to do. Fate makes you let go of things you want to hold on with your LIFE. We are the playthings of Fate. Cruciate. Hear. Hear it's maniacal laughter. Hear it mocking you, enjoying every single nanosecond of your torment. Fate changes the things you want to remain status-quo. A slight gust of wind, and when you open your eyes, everything you've built up is swept away. Eternally lost.

"Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

Each pray'r accepted, each wish resign'd."

I don't really have much to say today, so I'll add some wise words from Sylvia Plath. This is one of my favourite poems.

Mirror

I am silver and exact.
I have no preconceptions.
Whatever I see, I swallow immediately.
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike
I am not cruel, only truthful –
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart. But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake. A woman bends over me.
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day, like a terrible fish.

I'm craving steak. Lamb Chop.

They changed Long-Dee partners again.. I'm back with Lina. I miss Jasmin but it's good cos I've rowed with Lina a lot every time I take a K2. I gotta cherish this 21km in a K2, having someone with me in the boat and all. I hate my K1 sometimes. It's so horrible just rowing alone, and you just yearn for someone to talk to, someone to yell "Ready for ten power!" to. I don't know if I should take a high seat. Balance shouldn't be an issue actually, but it's better to be safe than sorry. A K2 is kinda HARD to cap once you get the hang of it. If you know what I mean. *Bigfatgrin

I'm happy today. Some people make me smile. Haven't really felt smiley in a very long time. That on top of the fact that my dad came home with perfume - Gucci Envy Me. Yummy. Seriously, I'm in such high spirits that nothing can get to me. So to all you people out there - it's not working :)))))

Went for my appointment today. I'm a freak. I have this leg length discrepancy. My left leg is shorter than my right leg by 2 fucking cm. As for my ankle - Chronic Lateral Compartment Syndrome. Something about muscle expansion and the compartments surrounding the muscles being too rigid, hence causing it to hit against the nerves and tendons. Apparently I had this problem before, (Chronic, duh) but I don't remember. *gulp* So yeah, no running for 1-2 months, unless I'm content with running about 800m-1.2km per training, which is like peanuts. Physio appointment next Wednesday, where they'll tell me what to do about proper footwear to cater to my stupid deformity.

I'm glad that things between me and Weejin are sorted out. I don't want a repeat of the Jeff incident in the team, so we've decided to maintain the good friends status, rather than ignoring each other during training and stuff. He's been telling me things too, and I find it very disturbing. Poor boy. Haha.

Oh yeah, THANK YOU DADDY!! He's going abroad during my birthday so he gave me a Burberry handbag in advance :):):)

Er well, 2005's looming. Meaning lotsa incomplete homework, projects etc. And resolutions. I'm compiling a list. Heh. Wonder how many of them I'll actually keep.

Went for Salvation Army bellringing at City Hall today with Weejin. Initially supposed to be doing the 5pm-8pm shift but there was some screw up in the schedules. So we ended up having nothing to do. It turned out not as awkward as I imagined it to be. Thankfully.

Having a good laugh while talking to Andrew and Chunhow now. SOME PEOPLE. They're just hilarious. Wow I'm a bitch. That's a first! Haha this is priceless, I tell you. Sheer pricelessness. Yum.

Liverpool drew Aston Villa 1-1 yesterday. It was disappointing to see Villa level through a Solano free kick resulting from a case of bad judgement from the referee. Liverpool totally dominated the whole game and deserved all three points, but when luck isn't on your side, too bad. Neil Mellor's inexperience truly showed through his inability to convert the array of chances, but Harry Kewell's form took a surprising lift as he effectively combined with Alonso and Gerrard. I was pretty upset that Nunez was substituted for Traore, but it shows that Benitez has faith in the subs, which is a good thing.

Oh well, Mich and I were at Tanjong Rhu today, giving out Accelerade to Mr Yong, Chew, Thong, Justin, Wenkai and Huiming for the marathon. After they passed us at the 34km mark, Mich and I decided on the spur of the moment to run the rest of the distance (8.195km) to the Padang. So yes, we ran. Mich was properly attired, but I wasn't. Boardshorts and a Fila tee, and we both had our bags. It wasn't as bad as I imagined it to be, maybe cos we ran at quite a slow place. Tanjong Rhu to Stadium Walk to People's Association, Crawford Street, KLSSC, Esplanade, and finally, the Padang. What an experience. I really wanted to run this year's half-marathon but I'm underage as of 5th December. Just 8km and it was exhilarating. At the 41km mark, this guy was holding up a sign saying "Pain is temporary but glory is forever" That totally spurred us on, coupled with the numerous cheers from the crowd, although we weren't actual participants. It really made today a fantastic experience for the both of us.

Met my parents at Funan after that. (I had no extra clothes. Bah) Got my Wacom Graphire3 drawing tablet and a set of 3 skins for my iPod (White, Blue, Lime Green). Using the Lime Green one now. The condition of my previous skin was appalling. Came home and slept for four hours, haha. Pig Alert :)

I like today (: Met up with my parents to do a bit of shopping in town. I hate going to town on Saturdays. So freaking crowded. I'm a little demophobic, so it's a tad bit uneasy for me. Wanted to spend my Kino vouchers (early bday present from Waileong) but couldn't make up my mind on what to get. Literature? A book of random photography? Something graphic-design related? Decisions, sigh.

I want a Wacom Graphire Tablet. It's gonna be useful for my A Level Art project (which I have no clue what to do). Honestly, this holiday has seen me hit an all-time high on the Procrasti-meter. To quote Shakespeare (Macbeth): "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow"! I need to do some hardcore brainstorming and quit being so indecisive. Three weeks more. Bah.

Honestly, you guys, you think you can get to me? It's not working. I've been a webdesigner for 4 years, practicing Art Student for 5 years and counting, and I've learnt enough to know that "ugly" and "nice" aren't exactly very intelligent words to use for describing a piece of Art. Criticise my composition, slam the formal qualities, dislike the theme and the execution, but don't act like a know-it-all by saying it's "UGLY", for it doesn't tell me anything. If you don't consider this an artwork, seriously, I feel very sorry for you for not being able to look at things with an open mind.

Like I said, bite me, I don't give a flying fuck.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY THONG!!!

Anyways, new template! Yeah, really in the festive, Christmassy mood now, hence the red and green. Yes, made from scratch in Adobe. Can't believe it's December already. Just a few more days before I'm officially 17. Yayayayayayay. Sigh, which means I have less than a month to complete all my holiday homework. This holiday just flew past. I stare at the calender and go "Where have all the days gone???"

I'm looking forward to rowing a K2 in the Long Distance race on the 12th with Jasmin. First time I'm rowing with her, and we're gonna make it a good race. Jasmin's got great stamina, and I'm gonna pile on the pressure on myself by saying that I don't just want to make it a GOOD race, I want to DO WELL. I've never been big on my strength endurance, but my cardio's fine, and my advantage is my strength-to-weight ratio, and I'm gonna exploit that. I don't exactly have any race strategy, just gonna go out there and whack from start to finish, hope for the best, and come out stronger after the event :)

Taufik won! Yay. I lovelovelove his soulfulness and RnB-ness. As much as my inner rocker calls, I can't like Sly. Sorry, I'm a stickler for good English, and Sly just doesn't fit the bill. To give the guy credit, he has a good voice and would make it far, but stick to Chinese!

My appointment at Alexandra Hospital's Sports Clinic is next Tuesday. The verdict. The enlightenment and discovery of something that's eluding me since September. Sigh. I can take the opportunity to find out what's that nagging pain when I rotate my right wrist too. I am the PLAGUE. Get away from me muahahahhaha.

I want Lina back!! I don't wanna row T1 whenever we have Long-D anymore.. it's like taking a K1 and putting five resistance. She'll only be back on Saturday though. Hope her wounds dry up fast! I miss K2 sososo much! Took K1 today, felt so wobbly.. for some weird reason. Like the whole sea was against me. The waves gonna throw me off my boat. Felt so helpless for the first time.. in a longlong time.