I'll be calm and serene. Oh yes I will. Plaster that synthetic smile onto my face, and let the world see that in this moment I am happy. (I wish you were here) Honestly, I don't know why I'm doing this, living a big fat lie. But you know what? I'm actually enjoying being plastic. I love being fake. That way I can BLEND in with everyone. If being genuine means that I stick out like a sore thumb, then I don't mind being unreal. A ghostly, spectral mirage. That sounds deliciously enticing.

Dear Van,

Stop being a total loser frog and stop brooding/harping over useless shabizz. You seriously have to start bucking up for common tests. You can't let yourself stagnate. You're not the type to let yourself fall into quicksand. You're not YOU. The usual you won't allow yourself to wallow in self pity. You're used to being defiant, headstrong and firm, albeit the fact that this is only on the surface. No matter what, you have to continue the theatrics. You have to be vile, ruthless and merciless although you hate being a bitch. To make yourself porous, sieve out everything undesirable and focusfocusfocus. You have to laugh when you see pain. Smile when you taste sorrow. Sneer at the people who do not deserve your empathy or sincerity, and just QUIT being a moronic leech.

You have to be jaded, bitter and just plain numb. Focus on what is the priority, and be thankful for all that you have not lost. Hey, there are others worse off. Stop obsessing over whatever. There's not much time left. You have to show them you can do math. All those who jeered at you for your incapacity in solving problems, show them you can. Grit your teeth, dash to the finish line, or die trying. Prove them all wrong. Most of all, show them you can put aside all the trash and concentrate.

Love,

Van

I used to think that was the gospel truth, even when Peishan debunked it. When you HOPE so much for something and that something doesn't happen, it hurts. Really really badly. I used to think that the possibility of things going my way was enough, it's at least better than having zero hope at all. But to hope and expect so much from something or someone, only to have your hopes dashed, that just sucks.

Perhaps all this stems from me having this naive outlook on life, thinking that everyone out there is saintly and angelic. I expect a lot from people, so when anyone breaks that faith I have in him/her, I'm completely and utterly crushed. It really eludes me, why I allow myself to fall into the same few traps over and over again. It's deja vu times one million and it's not funny. Why is it that I still continue to place so much faith and belief in the human race when obviously I should be operating on the "once bitten twice shy" principle? Trying and trying does nothing, reaps no results, only succeeding in making me look like a monumental idiot. Amelioration seems so far-fetched now. Maybe I need a reality check..

A semblance of a reality check suddenly hit last night and I started being ruthless, deleting everything that connected with abovementioned loss of faith, and IT FELT GOOD. Perhaps it's that sheer illusion of empowerment that overcame me as I pressed "Delete" over and over. The sick feeling of satisfaction when I saw the words "Deleted, Message 53" flash fleetingly. The photos weren't spared too. Perhaps this is only temporary, a bloody mask, but hey, if it makes me sleep better at night, why not? It's escape, I agree, but who gives. ("See I've always been a fighter, but without you I give up")

Just realised that what started out as something insightful ended up as something totally angsty and bitter. Oh well. Attack of the subconscious.

I guess unforseen circumstances CAN happen. Who would ever imagine that after training for so long, you go down into the race, only to get something caught in your bow and pull resistance for half the race?! Bloody 500m finals. I swear, I was gonna cry when that stupid thing (up till now, I don't know what it was) started making water frothing up the front of the boat, and me and Leepeng pulling our eyes out but the boat NOT MOVING. It was infuriating, especially seeing people we beat in the semis waaaay in front of us cos of a stupid whatchamacallit stuck in our boat. PAH!!

Other than that, if Yong had allowed us to whack our other event, we could have taken the NUS boat as well. Leepenggggg my beloved bimbo. I think after this race we've certainly become stronger :) I can see that our takeoff improved a ton, and we really really learnt a lot! Thanks for the fantastic maiden voyage in a K2! Looking forward to many many more tough trainings to come :)

Oohyeah, thank you to Weejin, Wong, Chew, Mo, Malcolm, Thong, Huiming, Jason, Benjamin, Vin, Sean for coming down to help out and for all your support. There, I have shown my appreciation!

Wow, I really wish Liverpool would win more Champions Leagues or Premier Leagues, cos apparently, the euphoria hasn't even begun to subside on my dad's part. What started out as a trip to town to make a new pair of glasses, ended in him spending about $4000 on me and my mom. My glasses+contacts (my degree went up!) cost $150 with subsidy. My new wallet cost him $75 and my MAC cream foundation/powder cost $46. On top of that, my crazy mom suddenly decided that since we were at Galleria, she would spend more than her crazy daughter and went "I want an Omega watch". Surprisingly, my dad didn't object. You can guess what item made up most of the $4000.

So, if Liverpool winning titles means that daddy dearest gets more magnanimous with his moolah, then it's ALL GOOD. He even tried to buy me an iBook if not for the fact that the 60GB ones were sold out. ($2888!!) He's usually very very stingy, and big shopping sprees like these don't happen very often. I'm guilty for being out the whole day, so I'm gonna mug tonight. Plus have to rest well for tomorrow's races. My mom's cooking my fave rickshaw noodles for dinner :) Yayee.

SO EMBARRASSING!

NE Quiz today. The moment we walked on stage, I knew things were gonna screw up. Hah. Five tables. The centre one was for the questioners. They never told us that little detail. So our team happily sat at the questioners' table cos we were the third team to walk in. I was sitting there, self-indulgently trying to psyche myself up, when I realised that the whole auditorium was shaking with laughter. Looking at Cher and Sam making funny gestures with their hands, I was like WHAT?!

"Looks like NJC has taken over the role of questioners"

Ohmygod. I swear I was gonna die. Gosh. The whole place was laughing at us, I could have DIED. It's quite funny, really, but argh! The quiz itself was bad. Somehow the questions involved NUS propaganda, which were giveaways. Plus the fact that our group knew the answers to the questions posed to the other schools, but not our own questions. Bah.

But one saving grace - this RJ guy that looks like HARRY KEWELL!!!!

KINGS OF EUROPE WOOOOOOHOOOO!!

When Jason asked me about the prospect of Liverpool winning the Champions League, I have to admit something. Something that other fans would prolly slaughter me for.

I laughed.

When they were 3-0 down in the first half, I was so angry at their lacklustre performance that I fell asleep on the living room couch. It wasn't until the 52nd minute when my dad yelled "GOAL!" that I woke up. Even then, I went back to sleep, but bang and another bang later, they were LEVEL. I was so so emotional that I almost CRIED. How on earth they did it, I don't know. Then the penalty shootout. When Dudek miraculously pulled of that Shevchenko save after successful conversions by Cisse, Smicer and Hamann, I lost it. I was jumping around the house at 6am in the morning, screaming with joy.

Baros and Gerrard high-fiving when they were awarded the penalty in the 60th minute, Dudek and his wobbly legs at the shootout, Cisse and his Samba! around the humongous cup. Gerrard emphatically lifting the cup in triumph.. WOW.

Who would have thought??

So what if you guys were 45mins late? Better late than never. BEWARE everyone. This blog is gonna come under the RED TIDE soon. Heroes, fighters, salute the 14! Jerzy Dudek, Steve Finnan, Sami Hyypia, Jamie Carragher, Djimi Traore, Luis Garcia, Steven Gerrard, Xabi Alonso, John Arne Riise, Harry Kewell, Milan Baros, Djibril Cisse, Dietmar Hamann and Vladimir Smicer :)

I think I SUCK at multitasking. Trying to talk to 7 people at one go, watching American Idol while re-planning the camp while doing art research while furiously refreshing my hotmail account cos I didn't get michelle's stuff.. it was enough to drive me nuts and I was tempted to smash my computer screen.

Now that everything's sorted out (hope I didn't miss anything), I can finally go sleep and wake up to watch Liverpool vs AC Milan tomorrow morning w00t. Heh.

I just realised, last night when I was trying to fall asleep, that I don't need you.

I have all that I want, all that I need. TRUE friends who won't abandon/avoid me according to their whims and fancies. True friends who'll be there for me come what may. Friends who won't even dream about betraying me, who won't use rhetoric to win me over. Apart from that, I know that there's someone who cares for me more than you do and I'm really glad that I was smart enough to make a good decision. Maybe I was weak in the past, but I swear, I won't ever be weak again. No more catering to your whims, no more giving a shit about how you are.

Ask me if I'm upset about the friendship? Well, perhaps I was, but now, I'm numb. I don't really care anymore since the image you put across to me was just so darn farcical. If the friendship meant anything to you, you wouldn't have avoided me in the first place. It's very telling, all your actions (which, by the way, happen to directly contradict your words), they just scream "I'm a LIE" in bold letters, font size 857583478572. I guess I was really really stupid to think that you bother, and I'm sick of bothering on my part.

People may notice how things have changed, but honestly, I haven't changed one bit. It's plain ol me right from the very beginning. You're the one who's changed so much, I can't even recognise you anymore. Not that you knew me back then, but it all comes back to me in the end. I don't know if you'll ever read this, but if you do, I hope nonchalance makes you OOZE happiness, till your cup of joy is practically overflowing.

I'm sorry it had to end this way, but you know what? I think it's worth it, since I was blind enough to think that you were any different from the rest. When will there be denouement? I don't know. Perhaps there never will be. You're an angel, but a very cataclysmic one. Amazing isn't it, how one can just turn your life upside down just like that. I know I'm being queen bitch here, but no more Mr Nice Guy. I can hurt people just like I've been hurt, only I'll never ever stoop to YOUR level of pure callousness and crass.

Ok Mrs Thia just called me, saying that I've been "highly recommended" by Ms Suhaili and Mr Mark Lo to represent the college in an NE QUIZ. WHAT THE BLOODY... Like a team of four, battling with 15 other colleges in a quiz which I know nuts about. AND IT'S THIS FRIDAY?!?!?!?!? Help me!!!!!! What the heck were they thinking?!!

It's one of those days when you feel terribly inert.

One. Canoepolo. I was so off-form after not having played since last Nov/Dec that I missed three open goals in a row. I was so shocked and couldn't believe that I missed. On normal days I would have converted those shots without any difficulty, but today was just, BAD. Sigh.

Two. Macritchie was victim to the disgusting heat. Thank goodness I applied sunblock or I'd be redder than I already am. The paddles were roasting under the sun (Fried paddles, crispy or original?) and I was carrying them to the shed when one of them slipped, and the blade hit my cheek. I was jumping around like someone had poured ants in my pants cos it was so damn HOT. Plus I couldn't let the paddle remove itself from my cheek or else it would clatter to the ground. Gah.

Three. I had no lunch cos my parents refused to pick me up after training. The Canoepolo 2nd shift ended much later than we did, so by the time Weejin returned my call I was already at home.

Four. Horror of horrors. My homework is untouched. Gotta scoot.

I don't know why but just today while I was msging you, I felt a sudden, inexplicable surge of anger, hatred and bitterness all compressed into one. The anger gave way to pure numbness, which later dissolved so naturally into a dull ache in the heart, that no amount of breathing in and out would obliterate. It was THAT feeling. The feeling that you know you've lost something, and you'll never be able to get it back albeit the fact that it's right under your nose. Penny for your thoughts? I'd like to know that you actually give a shit, and that nonchalant, unperturbed aura you exude is just a whole masquerade, a tool to help you cope.

Maybe I'm just living in delusion again. I'm bitter. Very very bitter. And when I'm bitter I'm vile. I can be extremely nasty, but deep down in the recesses of my heart, from the fucking aorta to the tricuspid valves, (I STILL REMEMBER BIO!!) it hurts. Like someone has just taken the damn organ out and stomped on it really hard. Woosh!! Rush of air! The heart is a balloon! *smirk. So maybe this sarcasm, this angst, hostility and deep-rooted frustration is MY device, my only form of revenge. Only that this revenge doesn't seem to be working, but I have to deceive myself that it is.

Never coming home

Went swimming today. As in, in the pool, not that I capped or anything. :) Made me realise how much I missed seeing CLEAR water. (as opposed to the murky-brownish-algaeinfested waters of Kallang and Macritchie) Did a few starts off the starting block, and I was pleasantly surprised that I still have that bit of my forte - the PLUNGE. Something also pleasantly surprising was the fact that I could still sprint fly and back. I didn't time because we both didn't have watches, but I felt it. The streamlined movement from the moment I hit the water, the rhythmic rotations of my arms and the kicking.. it almost felt like the past again. Almost.

I made a promise to myself last night, before I went to sleep. I'm gonna clean up my life, pluck out all the weeds, and just forget. Living for the present instead of dwelling on the past or nervously worrying about the future. Let Time be my master/mistress, and just.. carpe diem anyone?

I remember you being with me when I took this photo. You were teasing me for not being quick enough. Nostalgia. Just a very very hazy and distant memory to you, but to me, I remember. I do.

I just realised how much there is to cover for commontests. Weejin just told me that there are only five weeks left. ARGH?! Where did all the drollery of life go? There's my freaking art project which I'm not even close to 25% done. Plus History S, which I have no idea how the hell to study for. Something tells me that I'm gonna see a dip in my grades. No more BCCC and no more flukes. Plus nationals and stuff, and the dragonboat comps in June/July. Gosh.

Mr Lee says I'm trying to do too much, but yet there's this part of me that feels that I'm not doing enough. I'm trying to strike a balance between art, training and the rest of the study-subjects, but I think this balance is wearing me out. Consistency is good, but if I'm gonna get BCCC for A Levels, I'm gonna get nowhere. Plus the fact that it's not even consistenly good, it's consistently average. Well. I guess after nats I just gotta work quadruply hard then.

All I want to do now is sleep :(

Okay Mr Lee didn't pangseh me, just that he was very fashionably late. Ended up talking about my project till 2 plus, so I only had three hours of sleep. Was looking forward to coming home and having a good nights sleep but NO. Thong called while I was on the bus, informing me about the sheer incapacity of the people in our team, and their inefficiency to meet deadlines. So I guess we have to plan everything for them. What a total letdown. I don't know why they can't be trusted to do simple things like that. Then Yong says he wants the entire fucking camp proposal by tomorrow. WOW.

I'm so gonna whack the team tomorrow. But I can't even do it outrightly cos we have to make it seem as if the I/Cs did all the planning and not us. Morons.

EDIT: Life is brighter after Daddy returned from Shanghai and got me DKNY's Be Delicious EDT, a set of 3 Lancome Juicy Tubes and a set of 3 pots of L'Occitane Lipglosses from the inflight store. Plus the Escada's Rockin' Rio he got two weeks ago. Woot. Thanks daddy :)

Huimin, Veli and all the art people who read this: MR LEE PANGSEH ME!!!!!!!!!! He said he would be online at eleven plus so I had two mugs of coffee so I won't fall asleep on the keyboard and it's 12.24 and there's no sign of him. So due to the caffeine overdose, I'm wide awake!

Oh, how I remember those days.

Deterioration. Degeneration. Decomposition. Retardation. Falling. Slipping. Lost of dexterity. Maladroit.

I guess it's always this period of the year huh, when things really start sucking. My sine curve is in the negatives now. Whoopeedoo. I don't really know where I'm heading now. I hate 2005. I hate A Levels. Sorry for sounding so angsty but I really do. I just can't wait to get out of this goddamn hellhole of a school and move the hell on with my life. If it weren't for you I don't think I could have held on. Thank you - you know who you are. Thanks for putting a smile on my face today, you did make me feel better.

On the bus ride home, tears just started cascading. I honestly tried to hold them in but those saline drops just slid out. Gosh, I must have been a sight. Thank goodness the bus wasn't packed. I walked home from the bus stop - trudging through the rain and not even bothering about the wind that chilled to the bone - completely in a daze. It was as if my surroundings were negligible, like I was a spectral being amongst all the solid, grounded people around me. CRAZY. Sheesh.

I've reached a stage where I'm just stagnating. I think my drive, my motivation, has just suddenly evaporated. I know I have to pick myself up from this mess. I don't understand. The old me would never let myself dissolve like this. I know no one can help me but myself, but I just don't have the urge or the compulsion to extricate myself from this imbroglio. Impeccably confused. I guess I'm expecting some sort of catharsis to emerge from this but so far I only get nothingness. The worst thing is that I don't know why. Nights have passed with me staining my pillow with tears, with me feeling pain beyond any sort of anguish I've ever felt. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. Perhaps if I found the root of all this I could go about ameliorating the trash inside, but I don't even know where to fucking start.

I got my first EVER running medal today. Silver for the 4X400. GO IGNIS! Heh. Cheers to Cindy, Wan Sing and Michelle too. Great runs by ALL of you. For me, I must say that I died in the last 75m or so, allowing the Lignum runner to overtake me. Apparently, at the start, I overtook everyone, according to what everyone told me, since I was completely unaware of who was around me during the race. All I felt was the surge after surge of energy, Jiahui's spikes making firm contact with the track.. and all I heard was Titus saying "Looks like Ignis is somethingsomething.." Apparently we were last when I took the baton, but I didn't really care. Was really proud of Cindy for fighting so darn hard! Only regret was the dying out part though. Could have done better in that aspect.

Thank goodness Silin came back in time or I'd have to run the fourbyone too. After the race, felt like my butt was a separate entity from the rest of my anatomy. Haha. Thanks to all the Ignis people who congratulated me after the race. (Yeah, even people I don't know O_o) Oh yah, WEEJIN! Congrats! Javelin champ :) Really proud of your 4byone and 4by4 too :) Yay.

Honestly, why is Man so UGLY? (I don't mean physical appearance.) Hypocritical, all the doublespeak is perturbing me. Why does Deja Vu happen all the bloody time? Just when I thought things were safe, and that people are finally waking up and being remotely harmless, the homo sapiens species just somehow manages to jut out its horns and pitchfork again.

I don't understand how people can be so insensitive and nonchalant about things that evidently mean a lot to me. I guess it's because people don't usually share my views? I don't know. Why is it that every time the gradient of a slope is positive, MY slope is never strictly increasing? It doesn't even hit 1 and continue. It just escalates, then suddenly, without so much of a warning, DIPS, hits rock bottom, goes into the negatives... Wow. Just let me catch my breath okay?

It's so weird. Sometimes we know that what we're doing is wrong, but yet we still carry on doing it. Like you're a puppet on a string, being mindlessly controlled by an invisible ventriloquist. Where did my brain go? All the neurons and synapses are under the vice-like grip of a mad scientist. (I only dream of you, my beautiful) van you have to stop, the angel in me says. Oh well, can't help being devil's advocate at times huh? I guess it's natural human behaviour, to stubbornly hold on to the familiar although it's so so so WRONG to do so.

What does betrayal smell like? Will it reek of something putrid, like the stench of a decaying corpse? Or will it be something milder, like someone who overdosed on perfume? Or maybe - it would even be.. sweet. Like roses, baby powder, the sicksweet smell of raw honey, fresh from the hive. Maybe it would be odourless. Or it could smell like wood. Pine, Oak, Maple. How about vinegar? Car fumes?

Even KM is against me. It won't let me delete stuff. Stupid moronic system. Everything's gonna be alright, rockabye. We all dream of our own pots of gold at the end of the rainbow, but what happens if someone else gets there before you do, and you, like Silas Marner, find your gold MISSING!! Whatchugonnado? Walk to the other end of the rainbow, maybe. Hopefully, with guidance from a leprechaun on your way. If there aint no leprechauns, you just gotta do it yourself. Pick yourself up when you stumble, and, I quote James Patterson, "move the hell on". We Live.

I hate hate hate POISSON and BINOMIAL. They have conspired against me and made me feel so utterly stupid, like I'm not already stupid enough. For Qn4, I have tried a grand total of FOUR methods, and tried each method like 34543592199 times, and I still cannot hit that elusive answer. Damn.

It's times like these that make me feel quite.. worthless. Can't even do rudimentary tutorial questions. Sigh.

Shit. My parents don't allow me to go out to do gym today, cos it's "too last minute". WTH. Not like I'm being particularly productive at home anyway. Training today was quite fun. I like doing breakstroke. Heh. Oh yah, happy birthday to Ling and James.

No school tomorrow. YAY. I'm happy. Prob gonna meet Weejin before training or something. Oh yeah I can't wait till Charlie and the Chocolate Factory opens. (julyjulyjuly) I've got two movie vouchers for Shaw so I'm gonna save it for THAT particular movie. I desperately need cash. Sigh.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day. But considering that it's College Day and all that fuckshit, I doubt it. I'm in no condition to go. Honestly. I don't want to wear the bloody red tie and sit in the hall watching performances. (No offence to Yif, Cher, Sam, Shiwei etc who are performing though) I'm just not in the mood to be cooped up when I could be sleeping at home. I don't want to look all beatified and prim and proper in front of VIPs. Neither do I want to be around people.

I wonder what it feels like to be a recluse, to be living by myself in a cave, like Jean-Baptiste Grenouille in "Perfume" by Patrick Suskind. To immerse yourself in nothingness. Perhaps only then can I figure out what I really want, who I really am. I know I shouldn't be spending all my effort thinking and musing, but I can't help it. I guess I'm falling victim to this deadly disease called.. gosh I don't even know nomenclature. Wonderful.

You DON'T need me. It's all laid out before our eyes, plain and crystal clear. Stop living in delusion. Your aim - to hurt. Your aim, achieved. Happy now? I hope you are. You could even bear to avoid me, after all the embellished words. Words. Get it? They're just WORDS. You're just like everyone else. A blind carbon copy. I can't believe I was naive enough to think you were different. Van's gullibility strikes again. What is truth? I don't know. You were honest, an open book. But now you're shut away. Gone. Dejavu. I'm so bloody stupid.

Xintian - I'll miss you. The past 3 trainings have been amazing. You really made me love K2 a whole lot. The almost-capping-while-leaning-to-get-our-water-incident. Me sliding off my seat at the back during sprints. Mr Nasiman breaking the stick, you volunteering me to demonstrate rowing with that stick in the K2.. it was a whirlwind of a ride, a fantastic experience. You've been a great first partner and I'll just miss rowing with you a whole lot..

LEEPENG! Former K1-5oom teammate, now we're in the SAME BOAT both literally and figuratively! I look forward to experiencing having an engine behind me yeahhh :) Don't worry my cycle is manageable!

I hate how people can be so bloody nonchalant. I guess I was wrong about you. How naive.

Once we start balancing well, we'll be great, I promise! I think I still have a lot to learn as a back rower, considering the fact that I've been either alone or in front most of the time when rowing. Now that I'm in K2, I really truly feel that my potential can be maximised. My build has never been suited for K1, as I don't have the height to get max. reach. I'm the only K1 rower who couldn't use the Raptor :( Too short for the config. Anyway, Xintian - today's training was great. I could feel us getting better and better with each set. Let this cumulative pattern continue all the way to Nats kays.

Looking back, I'll miss the times in K1. With Leepeng, Rach, Michelle. It was tumultuous, especially in December, when things just totally stunk, but now, we've all come so far. Huiying and Chiteng, thank you too for pushing us. If it's any saving grace, we have four ex-K1 rowers in K2 now, and I'm especially thankful for Rachel being in the same craft again. It'll take some time for me to get used to following Xintian's rotation, to get accustomed to the fact that there ain't gonna be a rudder to control, and it'll be very long for me to be able to get the mantra "CMON K1 GIRLS!" out of my mind, but yes, I am glad to have a partner. I have never ever been a good singles rower anyway.

Oh, went to Alexandra Hospital to see the DrChew again. I have

http://www.blogger.com/">PlantarFasciitis Sounds like Planter's peanutbutter, haha. I think in this year alone, I've visited hospitals more than I have in my entire life. Ms Ting was like "HUH, not again??" I might as well camp in hospitals or something :(

So sweet of you to take one of the purple shakers for me :)

I'm supposed to Organize My Life but I am LAZY. So to relieve the insane amount of guilt I have managed to stay out of my room the whole day. Which also means that I don't have access to my notes, which also means that all I have done this morning is some art and read some Silas Marner. Weejin says "Eh must study k? revise!". Having given my assent, I now find myself doing anything but revising. Obviously, since I'm online typing this now.

Change. I know it's supposed to be Change is good, a la Who Moved My Cheese?, but I guess I hate change. Isn't it better when everything is boringly safe? When you totally zap the element of unpredictability out of our unpredictable lives? Sure, then life would be like sitting in front of a wall and watching paint dry but hey, what happens if I like to watch paint dry? What you gonna do about it? Nyeh.

I can forsee things taking a sick twist, actually. It's THE time that the peak of the sinecurve is way behind, and you're sliding down. Deterioration, much like Charlie Gordon in Flowers for Algernon. Exhausted I am. (Getting into the whole StarWars aka Yoda mode) Feeling the pinch, yes. I don't understand how some people can act as if nothing ever happened, and that things are normal. It's not. It's CHANGED dammit, can't you see? Freaking apathetic. Maybe I was wrong right from the start. Now, don't you start changing the topic. It's about you you you but you just don't get it. Hah.

Drastic lineup change, and FINALLY, I'm involved! I'm happy where I am now. (YAY XINTIAN!) Honestly, although I always lament about my K1, I don't really mind rowing whatever just as long as it can deliver points. I believe that whatever craft you're assigned to, just make the most of it. So the K2 fleet is nicely strengthened, but I don't know if this is the right way to go about doing it. The whole exco is gonna do all it takes to protest, and come up with alternatives, which might even involve me shifting to T1-1000m, but come whatever, I'll be prepared, and we'll weather everything. Cmon now, group hug!!

Anyway, Kingdom of Heaven was good. Weejin wasn't as impressed as I was, but I thought it was kinda insightful. Shall ask my dad to get the DVD from Jakarta when he next goes there. Went to town after that to buy our respective Mother's Day gifts. Perlini's necklace for me, and Body Shop stuff for him. Oh and we both wanna go to NUS yay. Met Shiyin! Gosh, haven't seen her in eons. It was great seeing her again, with a whole new look and all. Still her same old cheeky self of course.

I'm gonna watch Kingdom of Heaven tomorrow! Orlando Bloom is HOTNESS PERSONIFIED, alleluia. It's not cos of Mr Legolas that I'm watching it though. Its the historical shebang that I'm interested in. Plus he likes movies like that too. Says its "inspirational", so yay. Finally, something we can agree on.

Anyway today's D&P test went pretty ok, apart from the fact that afterI was 3/4 done with writing the words on my A3 paper (on the topic 'Flight') my pen suddenly leaked and there was this HUGE blot on the paper. I somehow managed to keep calm and covered the blot with a butterfly, strategically positioned. I didn't take photos last night cos I was too tired from doing Discrete Random Variables. When I get the paper back I will. This is one D&P that I actually kinda like the result of.

After the test, everyone was visibly high. Charmaine and Yuehan were fighting with the mop. Yuehan tried to poke the mop into my face and I was like !!!!!!!! The bloody thing was practically black with dirt. It was a really funny sight, with Charmaine holding up her chair to fend off the mop. Hilarious, I tell you. ART ROCKS. heh :)

WE'RE GOING TO ISTANBUL!!!! OH MY GOD!!

I'm absolutely elated. Well done Benitez, Garcia, Cisse, Dudek.. everyone! Good job in avenging the many many 1-0 defeats by Chelsea this whole season. Now they've had a taste of their own medicine and I quote LiverpoolFC.tv - "it will be Liverpool and not Chelsea who will carry the hopes of the country into the final." YAY!!

Anyway, the scan found something wrong with the left appendix but it's not serious. I have a lot of questions to ask so I'm gonna go down later with my mom to collect my medication. They say that the scan can't really pinpoint the problem, and I'm like, what the?! You make me drink 500ml of Barium Sulphate (which makes me retch whenever I think of the taste) and pay $714 which can buy me 10 bottles of perfume only to tell me that the scan can't pinpoint the problem?! I'm not satisfied. Apparently I'm supposed to stop training for 2-3 weeks, but HAH. No way baby. No freaking way.

Scary shit. Got out of school early again today cos of the pain. It wasn't excruciating or anything, but last night I was woken up by a very very sharp pain, and I decided I had to do something about it. Mt Alvernia it was, and I had my C.A.T scan done. $714. Shit. I can buy 10 bottles of perfume with that money, or lots of art stuff, or books. Not that I paid for it myself, but yeah that's a different story.

Diagnosis out tomorrow, and I've got an MC for today and tomorrow and I can't bloody train. They made me drink 250ml of Barium Sulphate suspension, and I took half an hour to down the whole thing. Then before they scanned, they handed me another 250ml. I pretended I was on Fear Factor (Maggotty cheese!! Zebra testicles!!) and gulped it down.

Injection halfway throughout the scan. More BaS04 into my veins. Then the doctor went "OH MY GOD! LEAKING! LEAKING!", referring to the damn liquid being intravenously pumped into me, and I was like - agjhrghkkghdksf!! Lying on that stretcher, and feeling it move through the cave of the machine, I felt like an android. "Do not stare directly at laser beam" said the sign. "Breathe in, and hold.", said the emotionless Voice of the machine. I breathed in and held, thinking that I would burst soon. "Breathe." commanded the Voice, and I was thankful.

Read some of The Bell Jar, and I love it. I didn't really enjoy Plath when I read her in Sec 4, but two years later I think my perspectives have changed. The language is exquisite, and while reading you actually are intoxicated. When I put down the book it was as if I was in a stupor. I happily chose to ignore the fact that The Bell Jar is about a girl who's kinda neurotic, and it's actually a very warped piece of prose. I love her blase attitude.

Ah yes. How intricate.

Did weights after training with Weejin. He was like COMPLAINING all the way from the bus stop to Bishan Stadium cos it was hot. Like a little boy. "EHHH how long moreeee??" and "WHY SO FAR?!" Sheesh. I took my weight, and when I stepped on the machine, I almost fainted cos it read 55.0kg. I was speechless, before I realised that he was stepping on the stupid machine too. TAN WEEJIN! You're damn fat lah. You added like more than 10kg to my weight. Pah.

Anyway, I cut my hair. (Blocks out groans of "NOT AGAIN, VAN!") I am happy. So there.

Total expenses: $174.40.

But I'm a happy camper, cos handing over crisp notes to the cashier makes me satisfied. Art materials from Art Friend (Including an irresistable tube of Impasto Gloss medium which I didn't need at all) plus three books. Flowers for Algernon, The Bell Jar, God of Small Things. A truckload of pictures.

Enjoy May Day everyone :)