To Sam, Cher, Youkai. If there's another current affairs quiz, all I can say is, we're running away. Haha. No, what I meant was, lets do it again! It was fun, you really have to admit it, tikam-ing our way through. I bet the people at NTU are laughing at our answers now.

Was very late for training after the quiz, so only managed to do like 2.5km of rowing, and a few sets of simple exercises. Then watched Hotel Rwanda; 5.45pm at PS with PS (lol), Mich, Jasmin, Rach, Tom, Sean, Cher Aik, Li Yuen, Chong Ming, Vivien, Bridget, Meishan, Constance and Joy. PHEW, managed to remember all the names of the juniors :):) It was a fantastic movie. I don't know why Andrew hated it with a passion. Courage to stand up for what you believe in, despite endangering yourself and your family. Selflessness, human spirit, and compassion. It was moving, definitely, and I can see why Yong asked us to watch it.

Was really really tired after that, I don't know why. Tom was telling me that my eyes were red - indication that I've worn my lenses for too long a time. Was totally zonked by the time I came home. Thank goodness I'm at home today, while the guys are happily training. Mwahahahaha :P

Today's Road Run was.. illuminating. Pairing up with Huiying allowed me to run one of the greatest races I've ever ran. She sort of started hyperventilating during the race, and at that point of time we were among the top 15. I ran with her to the finishing line, clutching her hand and telling her to stay strong. I saw them all overtaking us. People who are usually much slower than us were streaking by. Cindy, Rachel, Xintian, Chit, Shumin.. they all flew by. In the end, our position was a lowly 24 & 25, but in my heart, I knew that she was a winner, for not giving up, for keeping the faith in herself. We both know that had we been in tip-top shape, we could have easily been in the top 10, and that's all that matters. She was in tears, saying that she pulled me down, but really, is winning everything? What you get is a lousy piece of metal. What's the point? What really mattered to me was the amazing bond that was built up between us during the whole 18 mins, and not what position we came in. We were winners in our heart and soul, and that's good enough for me.

After the race, Mich and Xintian came to us and tried to give us their medals. Michelle said I deserved it, and that she knew that luck was never on my side. I got really emotional, and I knew that I couldn't take the medal, for it never belonged to me in the first place. She insisted though, and I took it in the end, but stuffed it in the cupboard instead. She dedicated her race to me - "K1 girls - we're the strongest cos we've fallen the hardest."

It was an emotional day, tears, pain, hugs, strength and support, but I know it surely brought the team closer together.

Ugg, some people really know how to embarrass me. Stupid Chew. Stupid Wong. And XINTIAN! I thought you were on my side! I feel so betrayed! *pout*

Ran 2.4 during PE today. Really disappointed to see my time stagnate at 11.36. It really made me think - if I hadn't laid off running the whole of December, would I be closer to an 11-flat? Last year, my timing at the controlled time trial was about the same, and it's disheartening to see no improvement. Road Run's this Friday, and I really want to do well. I don't care if it's straining my ankle or whatever. I just want results.

Just realised that what I typed below about Liverpool echoes what is said in The New Paper pg67. Even the players that I referred to are the same. I have found my true calling! Sports analyst/columnist.

Heh, no harm dreaming huh? I finished my Measure for Measure. Decided to do the context question instead of the essay cos I was really lazy to consolidate all the material under the big umbrella theme of "Justice". Not really my style, but that's what happens if you leave everything to the eleventh hour. Now, what was that about not procrastinating?!

Oh no. *covers face in hands*. My dear dear Pellegrino. If you don't know what you're doing please screw off. It was excruciating to watch Southampton score those two goals due to insane defensive errors. Warnock and Pellegrino both deciding to fall asleep while Saints launched their attacks. Absolutely shameful. We need Steve Finnan back, and another top-grade right back. Pellegrino = total flop. In fact, their defence was all over the place. At half time, I just turned the tv off and went to sleep. Yes, it was so painful to watch a team you've backed for close to 8 years reduced to shambles. I was nearly in tears by the time the second goal was scored.

They can give 89534897686 excuses, saying that Alonso, Kewell, Cisse and Finnan are out injured, but look at the current squad. Steven Gerrard, Didi Hamann in central midfield, with Hamann being part of the Germany squad that faced eventual champions Brazil in the 2002 World Cup final, and of course our famous Stevie G, integral in every England lineup. Sami Hyypia and Jamie Carragher in defence - they've been known to produce results. Of course, the strikeforce of Milan Baros and Fernando Morientes. Baros - Euro 2004's top scorer, and El Moro - Former Champions League top scorer with Monaco, and former top scorer of Real Madrid too. The quality is laid out right in front of us, I don't need to elaborate. So what's the excuse about injury?

They really better buck up, or fear losing Gerrard. I hear Baros is the topic of interest for clubs like Barca too.

Was washing myself with the hose in the toilet today when Peishan's calls of "DEBRIEF! Come out!" rang through the air. I hurriedly hosed down, and came out of the toilet dripping wet. Ah, one of those days when I forget to bring my towel, Yong calls for early debrief. Wow. Had to borrow a towel from Cindy, then Chewy lent me his to drape around my shoulders cos I was shivering like mad. Ugh.

Went shopping again but only bought a pink top. I need a white skirt to match that for CNY. Bumped into Dav in Taka armed with a whole bag of books. You lucky girl! I was trying to convince my dad to get me that Burberry skirt which was going at $367, cut from the original price of $985, but obviously, the answer was an in-your-face NO.

I love ferris wheels!

Training today was pure ew. Stuff happened in the morning before training that made me really really steamed. I'm NOT happy with the exco. Totally cheesed off. Then I had to take a plastic bag for resistance, which totally killed me. Ten km of resistance = death. I was sprinting to keep up with Leepeng and Xintian who fortunately had the blessing of keeping their boat au natural. Proves one thing - they're not that far behind me, and they're improving. Yay. Switched to pace with Shumin after that and it was much better.

Went shopping for CNY clothes with my family at Suntec/Great World City. Bumped into like a trillion NJCians. Ok, maybe only five. Skirt from bods, orange tank from MNG, and white pumps from exodus. Not forgetting my Daintree facial mask. Feel totally bimbo-fied today, as I was telling Thong.

Davina: Relax, girl. Guys are just toxic, and sometimes we're just so amazingly stupid and I don't know how on earth our brains manage to get so squashed. Hang in there sweetie, I'll be here for you yeah? We can sob to each other and bitch about all the brainless gits out there. I love you babe.

OMG! Djimi Traore - what in the name of Ian Rush were you DOING?! You know, if I weren't a Liverpool fan then I would have laughed till my sides split open. The own goal was a classic blooper, and it just left me perplexed. How can anyone playing in top flight make such a foolish error? It was just poor control, pure lack of focus, and just dumb. You caused us to get kicked out of the FA Cup, and in case you haven't realised, our silverware hasn't really been magneted to us of late. How how how could you afford to let in atrocious own goals like that, and against BURNLEY too?! Where am I gonna hide my face.. this is one of the rare instances that I'm truly ashamed to be a Reds supporter.

Feeling much better now :) Will be running again hopefully by this week. Hit my PB for pull ups again. Eleven! Almost died at the last one. Had to like wriggle to get my chin above the bar, but thanks to Vin's encouragement I managed to do it. There was just SO much lactic that I couldn't do another to make it twelve..

CHER: Don't think too much kays. If you ever do need a listening ear, feel free to ring me up or something yah? Really looking forward to shopping with Dav and everyone tomorrow. Thank goodness training's pushed to Monday, so that means I have Tues afternoons all to myself. Whee. Like, finally!

Pain. Excruciating pain. Always me. Down on luck. What - another week of not being able to run? When one injury heals, another comes on. Does that mean that I'm destined to live a life of pain? Left to right, left to right, bouncing like a ping pong ball. Someone, something, please please take away all the pain. I just want to be normal, I don't want to be pitied and fussed on by people..

Thank you to the team for attending to me. To Audrey - I love you babe, you were my pillar of strength throughout the whole run. I know I'm supposed to be the one encouraging you but in the end it turned out to be the other way round. Thank you for not giving up on me, and for continually staying by my side while I limped along for more than 3/4 of the run. Thank you for giving me the strength to complete it despite the stabbing pain, and for giving up your own run to wait for me.

To Wong, Weejin and Junxu for running with us for the last 3km or so. To Rachel, Michelle, Peishan and Chewy for making me feel so much better. To the people at the finishing line - Andrew, Mo, Yingqin etc for rushing around for me. To Joy for the massage. Just.. to everyone. I owe the team so so much, and I'll stay strong for you guys, I promise.

It's time. For the big showdown. ManU vs Liverpool. Me vs Andrew :P We shall see if our trusty Koppites (with MORIENTES19, hopefully) can neutralise the likes of Rio Ferdinand and Ryan Giggs. Thank goodness for Morientes, and Pellegrino, who can fortify our central defence, giving Hyypia and Carragher some rest. I REALLY want stuff from the store.

Wading in the waist high mud at Kallang. Rocks. Cuts. But fun. Yes, I'm warped.

I sat at Esplanade for a while today before training. It's the same sky we're all staring at. Then felt guilty cos the rest were still at school while a skipped to go see the sports doctor. The crashing of waves, the rustle of wind. It was enough to make me smile, genuinely, for the first time in days. The Marina waterfront - jam packed with memories. Feel, and breathe salvation, and be alleviated.

So lethargic.

Whirlpool. Flush it all away. Zoomzoomzoomwhee. I hate how things are at this point of time. Meaningless and empty. Switching off during morning run. Not knowing what I'm doing nor why I'm doing what I'm doing. Detached and alone, I wander. Not too far away, for somehow we receive unpleasant jolts of reality that send you crashing down down down back to earth. And you land. HARD. Like a stinging slap to the face. Like when you trip, and you don't even know what caused you to trip. Shelter. I need shelter. It's raining on me. Pelting me with raindrops of colossal proportions, and it hurts.

Each bus ride to and from school is a psychological journey. I saw your reflection in the window. Do you remember? The buildings, the people, they whizz past. Such infinitesmal and picayune beings, victim of life's rhythm. Staring blankly at nothing in particular, and I'm sure my eyes are glazed. I see your reflection in the window again. I see you in the eyes of the old lady two seats away. I see you, multiplied a hundredfold, in the eyes of the little boy tugging on his mother's sleeves. Do you remember? Or is the past a mere shadow, receding?

"There's a thousand words that I could say

For you I bled. For you I bleed. I fear to enter my dreamland, though in it I seek solace. I fear imagination, though through it I find escapism. I think, but my thoughts are in vain. Imagination, a double-edged sword. Pricks you. Teases you. Then it plunges into you. And you awake. To find that it wasn't, and isn't gonna come true.

Diagnosis: Chemical Allergy, can't eat stuff that contain preservatives and artificial colouring for three months. No bread, yellow noodles, meatballs, fishballs etcetc. That's like taking away a lot of stuff from my diet. I have no life left.

School this past week was.. torturous actually. Seeing people that I don't want to see during my free periods. Stirring up a whole bundle of conflicting feelings inside. It's like I've hit a dead end. Gibberish. No more complete sentences. Lost.

I've got this terrible rash on my upper body, and I've been scratching like some mofo, despite advice from Weejin, Chew and my sis not to. (Weejin: Don't scratch! It'll spread! Chew: Don't scratch, later got scar. Sis: EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW DON'T SCRATCH!!!!) My mom insists on taking me to the doctor tomorrow so it means I'll miss training and math consultation (oh no) and cultural mapping. (YAY - But Ting's gonna kill me)

2005's been pretty sad so far. It's like a 2004 playback, plagued with injuries and all sorts of maladies. There's the disgusting leg infection that doesn't seem to be clearing up. Squirting pus when I run. Then the stupid rash, and the reccurance of my chronic lateral compartment syndrome, my sore throat. C'mon I'm only 6 days into 2005 and there are already so many afflictions. Sheesh.

It was really awkward today.. He came back and I can't deny that I got a shock. I really wasn't expecting to see him, but Jason just went "Eh look.. it's XXX" and I was like. SHIT. So he came over and I said hi, then he asked me how life was and the usual small talk.. well. It really changed my mood throughout the day, made me a little more.. pensive? I guess it must have showed cos Peishan suddenly messaged me asking me to "cheer up".

Anyway, I cut my hair. AGAIN. Someone really has to put a stop to this. Cutting hair is really therapeutic but if I keep going on like this I can migrate to Thailand and be a monk. I just love the feeling of scissors going snipsnip, chopping off chunks of my hair. I absolutely enjoy seeing my hair drop to the ground in bits and pieces. Like, WHEEEEEE. You know?

Ok. You don't know.

Circuits training today was okay. Not as horrifying as Yong made it sound. There were so many junior girls today, thanks to Joycelin :) I wonder how many of them will actually stay on in the team. Especially someone, whose name I shall not mention. If she COMPLAINS in front of me again, I really think I'm gonna blow my top. The bottom line is, if you don't want to push yourself, if you think that there's a LIMIT to what you can take, then the team isn't for you. If you want to be a princess, NJCanoeing just isn't the right cca for you. There will be zero guniang-ness in the team, and I have absolutely zilch tolerance for people who have the nerve to ask me if they can stop running, or if I can slow down the pace. If you're not gonna do the circuits continuously, and keep giving up on yourself, there's no point. She got a taste of my temper today, and if she's not careful, during ball games she will get whacked.

Peishan says we can't be too soft on the juniors, and I agree. Sure, there will be some allowances, like I don't expect them to be able to keep up all the time, but at least show me that you're trying and that you have the right mentality? All talk, no action - that's how I view her. I hope I can change that mindset soon.

Ugg. My timetable is hell on earth. How everyone manages to get days ending as early as 1230 is really beyond my comprehension. My earliest day is Tuesdays at 1450, but there's training anyway - which just sucks. I end at 1720 on Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, and 1510 on Wednesdays. The timetabling committee is against me, I swear. So many unneccessary free periods AGAIN. What a waste of time.

New J1s are pretty.. erm. Well I don't know but they don't look very promising to me. Met a few IJ juniors - May Yee - she's taking Art too, Krystle, Chang Xi etcetc. Other than that, it seems a pretty dull batch. Influx of RV and Cat High people. Time to pull them over to canoeing during my free periods.. heh.

Msg just received from Yux, presumably from Ms Ting:

"Yuxin and Hannah, Yr2 classes begin 2morrow, there will be mc, ec, hi2, phy ge, eng lit l for elb. See u 2morrow."

Ok. I have one free period at least tomorrow, during their econs lect/tut. But THANKS. THANKS for telling me tomorrow's timetable. Now I have no excuse that I don't know what to bring for lessons tomorrow. Wow. Thank you Ms Ting. Thank you for reminding all of us that school starts tomorrow, and they're gonna pile the work on us right from 8am on Jan 3, 2005. Someone who can decode the last part of the message - what the heck is "eng lit l for elb????"

Injustice. Like a sepulchral fog over Anfield. The better team lost - to a team which has all the quality. A team with a massive stickerbook of world-class players all over the world. Chelsea had the likes of Arjen Robben, Eidur Gudjohnsen, Frank Lampard, Damien Duff, but yet they were hopelessly shut out by the less acclaimed players of the Pool squad. Djimi Traore, Florent Sinama-Pongolle. Neil Mellor. What heroics. Instead, Chelsea have referee Mike Riley to thank. A blatant disregard of TWO clear cut penalties, which would have made a significant dent in Chelsea's ego and would have wiped the smirk of that slimeball Abramovich's face. The scoreline of 1-0 to Chelsea was merely a farce. A clever masquerade of who were the REAL fighters. Liverpool, with helmsman Rafa Benitez. They were just simply amazing, just that lady luck wasn't on their side.

School again tomorrow. Sighh. Now that we're implementing the 5-day week, I'm kinda intrigued to know how my timetable will be like, and it'll be interesting to check out the new J1s. Heh :):)

While I was at Borders yesterday, looking for an Xmas present for Lings, I happily digressed and walked over to the stationery section, where all the notebooks were. Chew had to remind me very kindly that I wasn't looking for something for myself, but for someone else. I just couldn't help it. It was like, animal magnetism. Some invisible, powerful force pulling me to the notebooks with all their pretty covers and smooth, crisp, lined paper. I need a new notebook/journal/planner for the new year. I WILL use it, I promise I will.

Actually, apart from Resolutions, I think every New Year deserves another big R - Retrospect. So here, I'm gonna muse about how 2004 was to me. Peruse at own peril.

What can I say. New JC, new environment, after 9 years in a convent all the way from Primary 2. Met a fantastic bunch of people. Chewy, Dav, Sam, Bea, Shiwei, Mel, Henry, Cher, Yiffy, Weejin, Xintian, Vin, Thong, Justin, Chunhow, Szewei, Junxu, Andrew etcetc just to name a few many. Some people who crossed my path weren't exactly very desirable, but I've remained civil to these people.

Then of course, who can forget Jeff. Meeting him was the best and worst thing that happened to me. Best -- he made me realise what a dangerous thing naivety is, and how not to trust people that easily. He was a good friend, but everything just fell apart. The worst - of course, he made me a total wreck for a long while. Tore apart my self-confidence and just screwed everything up. It was amazing while our friendship lasted, and it just shows, in just a short span of a month, you can go from inseperable to imbroglio. At least I can say that on my part, I did try to salvage the friendship, but he just wasn't interested and I learnt to pick myself up and let go.

Academics. What a disaster. I really really must start bucking up. Seeing grades I've never seen before in my entire life. Es and Ds. Bah. I've only seen ONE measly A the whole year and that was for a non-A level subject - GP. My linguistic abilities are okay. Not particularly spectacular but can be honed. Art was a letdown, despite the scholarship. I know that I can do much better than I've been doing now, and I just have to spend more time on it. It's something I have such a passion for, and I'm actually sufficiently adept at, but I'm just not making much of an effort. The same goes with Lit. Although the teachers have kinda snuffed my love for it, I still want to push. Literature - it's a beautiful subject, but maybe I'm not meant for it. Math is something I desperately need help in, and I have been making an effort.

All in all, 2004 was a bloody rollercoaster ride, with more downs than ups, but I'm certain that I'm a stronger person after everything that happened. I've grown a lot this year, and the people around me who stood by me through thick and thin have really helped mould me into a better person. Despite all the crap, I still think 2004 was fulfilling, in terms of life's lessons and values, and I'm hoping 05 will be much more, with me helming my own journey of self-discovery.

Pop the bubbly, people, and behold, 2005! Right. Here are my Resolutions, which I made for the sake of making. Gah.