The past few days have been a whirlwind for me. 3 whole days of leadership/personal development workshop is mentally draining, but I really am very glad that I got the chance to attend this. Through the exercises that we did, suddenly everything that was fuzzy before became clearer. I realised the reason why I was feeling so shitty for the past few weeks. I joined the SAF because I wanted to make a difference in a way no one would expect me to, but yet these few months I've been focusing on the wrong things. Instead of focusing on the SERVICE aspect, I actually got too preoccupied with living up to people's expectations and perceptions on how a scholar should be. I've been so hung up with trying to perform.

I suppose now I'm quite clear about what I want from life. It was somewhat a... self-awakening in that sense. The workshop forced me to sit down and evaluate, really scrutinise my priorities under a microscopic lens. Then we wrote letters to ourselves stating our goals for the next one year, so that when we return from studies next year, they'll mail the letter to us. Very very meaningful.

I found something I wrote last year for the juniors before I left the team:

Lets start with OpenDay2003. I came to NJ not knowing wad to expect. Then yihui persuaded me to start training w them.. honestly didnt know that by agreeing, Id be making the best decision of my life. This team has been my ROCK..It seems weird now not coming for morning trg at 650, having wed n sat free.. not sleeping at 10pm anymore. I feel like an empty shell..

Derwin told me tt canoeing is like a relationship-when the time comes u have to let go no matter how much it hurts.. being in the team has truly changed me. I never thought Id be able to do pullups, run fast. Ive really become stronger and this is only the physical aspect. Mentally ive learnt to push on no matter how hard it is.. never giving up, finding new barriers of pain which I wld then surpass.

But if u think all was smooth sailing, ure wrong. In feb, I was taken out of ballgames cos of a badly strained shoulder ligament n was out of action for more than a wk. That, in my opinion, marked wad was to be a yr of serious BAD LUCK for me. I sprained ankle after ankle (they took turns to sprain), had shin splints, problems in my fibula.. had my 1^st high fever in 3yrs.. it went crazy. The ill luck didnt stop till april this yr, after I was hospitalized for some bladder thingy.. but uknow wad? Not ONCE did I regret joining the team. It was thru these injuries tt I emerged mentally tougher. I mean ive been to e hospital these 2years more times than ive been in my whole life BUT well what doesnt kill u makes u stronger.. it was thru these adverse times tt I saw how much e team cared for me. Like when I sprained my ankle during SWIFT run, Audrey nv gave up on me.. n everyone was rushin ard tendin to me. If theres 1thing im truly grateful for, its the friendship tt ive forged w every single person in e team. ...Ive learnt tt theres MORE to life than just winning races/doing well in studies. Its abt humanity. Trust faith compassion courage HEART. Nv will I forget these 2yrs..its been so special. Think nothing can ever replace this amazing experience.

They say -lead another life, join njcanoe. This cant be more true. Canoeing has completely changed me.. n despite all the conflicts, squabbles n tears, ive pulled thru. NO wait, WE VE pulled thru.

I think dragonboat is definitely the most significant part of my time in e team esp SDBF 2005 n Regatta2004. Pulling together as a team, feeling e boat SURGE cos of the concerted effort of everyone, makin sure tt no one is left behind, weak or strong.. Remember- courage perseverance n heart, thats all u need.

I want to be a good person. I know that as a scholar I'm gonna get quite a bit of help in my career, but when I'm in a position of high authority in the future, I want people to look at me and realise that I got where I am because I worked hard, and not just because I'm a scholar. I want to be somebody who people respect.

Oh and by the way, I'm going to YORK to do Politics and English. It's confirmed now. Will post flight details once it's confirmed. I'm veryvery excited (: