It would not know if it were spurned,
This gallant little flower --
How therefore safe to be a flower
If one would tamper there.

To enter, it would not aspire --
But may it not despair
That it is not a Cavalier,
To dare and perish there?

Buffet yesterday was great, but I prefer Cafebiz at Trader's cos they had fresh cuts of beef, lamb, honey-glazed ham etc from the kitchen. But Melt had TWO chocolate fountains. One dark and one milk. So, being me, I dipped my spoon into the fountain instead of the marshmallows and strawberries. YUM :) The oysters were fresh too, and the crayfish just succulent and accompanied with the carrot salsa were just delightful.

And er, I watched Liverpool vs West Ham yesterday, and I must say that they've got the right starting XI now. I wouldn't be too sure about Momo Sissoko as a left winger though, but then, who else do they have apart from Kewell? When I saw the XI, I was like OMG FINNAN!!! shiftone!!shiftone! HEHE notice that the past few games where he was injured and had Josemi replacing him, their defence was crap. Finnan can do everything, attack, provide width to the midfield, and then at the crucial moment, drop back and defend strongly. Josemi isn't like that. He's just all over the place. The Cisse-Morientes partnership was.. okay I suppose. I was impressed with Moro despite his lack of goals cos he's been a classy and clinical presence throughout the game. When he dropped back, pulling the centerbacks with him, it gave Cisse lots of space to work his speed.

As for the two goals, Alonso and Zenden - amazing I must say. Alonso's strike was just beautiful, and Zenden, he did well as a sub to smash the ball in from an angle. The ball ricocheted off the post and bounced in, such was the power. All in all, good. I'm glad I watched it, and I'm just hoping they're consistent like that and Benitez doesn't do anymore tinkering. As for Crouch, I think Benitez can use him as a sub after say 60mins or so. He's still finding his way and I guess he needs more time on the pitch. The passing last night was also crisp and clean, getting me to think "Now, this is more like it."

After one day of slacking, I think today's mugging day. Oh, I cut my hair :)

After History and Lit today Sam and I decided very whimsically that we'd go take advantage of the last 3 days of Secret Recipe's 50% thingy. So I found myself on 174 heading down to Forum after History. Raspberry cheesecake, Tiramisu and Chicken Cordon Bleu over Lit and Korea/Vietnam was nice. But I have really really baaaaaad cramps now :( Was tearing out the Panadol from the plastic thingy and it cut my finger. Siiiigh.

I do hope I get better by tomorrow's dinner. It'll be a pity if I have no appetite. The last time I had cramps, it was during a dinner at Plaza Hotel's Szechuan restaurant. 8-course dinner and I only had dessert and soup. What a waste. If I feel awful tomorrow I won't go. Won't wanna waste my dad's money. Sigh. Tomorrow's doctor's appointment about my eye thingy and hopefully, if my hairdresser's free, haircut yayyyy.

The best news today came at 650am when my dad msged me to tell me that CHELSEA LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO CHARLTON!! Finally, Moorhino's men, Roman's Roubles, decimated by Murphy, Bent and co. Hahahahahahaha!

Yeah so that set the tone for yet another nice day. Had GP consultation with Weejin. Dio's ego is like.. inflated. Ha. Oh and he woke up at 715am, and was in school by 750. HOW THE HELL?! Plus he eats breakfast and the bus ride from his place to school takes at least 20min, excluding waiting time. I swear he probably eats toothpaste for breakfast or something man. Covered Middle East. Yay, finally.

Oh my parents told me we're going for dinner at Oriental's Melt this Sat. Another buffet! Ohmygawd.

I had an odd dream last night that teleported me 3 years back in time. Involving Bangkok and a whole musty collection of memories as if I'd dug out some hidden cardboard box from the back of my cupboard. People that mattered then, funny how they're somewhat estranged from my life right now. It's a little scary to think that within a span of three short but poignant years, things can just completely change like that. I wonder if three years down the road I'll think back to now and muse about change again. I hope things don't change much 3 years later, or at any point. I'm like that, I'm not a Who Moved My Cheese? kinda person, I'm more like, Bloody Hell, Don't You DARE Touch My Cheese, Especially Since I'm Content With This Cheese!! As you can tell I'm not much of a risk taker.

Anyway, that isn't really the point. The dream ended (I had to wake up for Math Mock!!!) with that smile. It's so vivid, and so.. nice.. that till now I don't want it erased. I lay on my bed trying to firmly and solidly etch that image into my mind and till now, I can see every crease, every fold of the skin. The dance of that little mole under your eye when you glanced at me with a slight but to me, obvious, mischievous glint in your eyes. That cheeky look you used to give me everytime we looked at each other. I remember that tinkling laughter, soft, yet never failing to give me a tingling sensation of warmth. It's a very very precious visual, and though it did not come from something real, it gives me comfort that even in the subconscious, such details are not forgotten.

Mr Yong messaged me to personally ask me to row for Round Ubin today, pairing with a new IP or DSA member. I found myself saying yes, although I was telling Chew today that I don't think I'm up for it. I mean, since he asked specially, I decided to give my assent. I guess I can't really let go of the team.. even though things have - here's that word again - CHANGED. Let this be one of my last contributions to the team since I can't row for Regatta.

Oh and I didn't watch the match. My eyes were wonky since last night, so much that I couldn't wear my lenses this morning leading to Mr Lo commenting that my glasses are the same shade as my handphone pouch. Huh?? Totally irrelevant to International History. They're still itching now though. As in, my eyes, not my glasses. Thank goodness I didn't watch it. My goddd. Losing to Crystal Palace. Ok, they had reserve team players in the squad, but that's no bloody excuse. Crystal Palace! Cripes I don't even want to think about it. *Shudder*

I am tempted to sleep now and wake up later for the Carling Cup match against Crystal Palace. But.. oh well haha. Maybe I'll wake up for the 2nd half. Yes. That way I will be fulfilling what I said about not watching their matches. I mean, not watching their matches does not always mean not watching the FULL match right?

Right.

Here's to another wasted day.. in terms of studies hah.

Only read through the notes on Korea. Then had a nice time reminiscing about Regatta at the Singapore River :) In good company, with all misgivings evaporated. He was telling me about how he almost capped during his K2-500 race last year. (And still managed to get gold too huh..) So yay we're both K2-500m gold medallists hehehehe. Whoops. I'm going a bit woozy. Now I'm so high on snapple and oxygen that I don't want to do my essay. LALALALALA. It's the little times like these that make me so crazily giddy and so.. WHEEEJINGLEBELLS you know? :)))))))

Because you watch two souls gravitate. :)

Fear.

It's that gut-wrenching stomach-churning feeling like you've swallowed a can of Lysol. Acrid and burning, that trepidation that forces you to yank your hair out of its follicles. It's that knowing that oh shitness you're pretty much gone if something like this happens. Fear is that adrenaline rush, that surge of blood through your tricuspid valves, the rhythmic thumping of your heart, the nervous pounding in your head that won't go away. Reaching the apex of anxiety you look to something that would alleviate and ameliorate everything.. something that would make this okay again.

And for the time being, looking amongst a fleeting chocolatey relief, a sensuous comforting cup of tea, a fluffy down cushion, a pitterpatter of raindrops on the pavement, a slick movement of night into day ...

I found you.

WAAAHHHH what a complete travesty. 2-0!!! And it wasn't to Liverpool! I should like stop watching their games..

When I saw the lineup, I was half expecting Benitez to play Crouch-Morientes, Garcia-Hamann-Alonso-Cisse, Riise-Carra-Hyypia-Josemi. Imagine my utmost horror when he leaves Crouch, Garcia and Hamann on the bench and played Kewell, Sissoko and Traore. AAARGH! It's not funny to keep tinkering with the strikeforce cos the midfield just cannot get a proper understanding of the partnership between the strikers! This proved so as even when Cisse moved up front and Kewell went to the right. Despite the fact that I trust Rafa's faith in Kewell, he just cannot cannot cannot play right-mid. He's left footed for heaven's sake. Oh and I have no idea why Garcia was on the bench cos when he was introduced in the 60th minute or so the game immediately came to life.

Sure there were many bright sparks. I remember seeing the statistics flash as 13 shots on goal compared to Fulham's 4. It's not that they're not creative. They lack a clinical finisher, which was supposed to come in the form of El Moro but he's not getting enough support, especially since Benitez loves playing 4-5-1. It's driving me crazy, and when I saw Collins John's goal in the 30th minute I wanted to die. Where was the marking? What was Traore doing? He had his back towards the free man and only realised his folly when the ball was clipped over like 4 redshirts to hit John. Traore cannot be first choice left back. He's just not good enough. Play Warnock or Riise if they have to, but not Traore.

It was really a night of frustration and lots of sofa-slapping, watching them miss a slew of amazing opportunities really killed me. I should lay off their matches for a while now. It's getting very very wasteoftime.

I slept from 1230-10am and then from 2-6.

Well done van, well DONE. Looks like I'm gonna stay up today to complete my stuff. This is terrible. Plus someone is getting on my nerves I feel like slapping that someone. Now now, too much anger ain't good I know but oh well. Pool's match at midnight. Shall watch and read my Measure for Measure.

Today was DAMN SINFUL argh. Went for lit consultation then to Mel's place to watch Caretaker. Gained a whole lot of fresh perspectives of the play though I was falling asleep during Aston's long speech! Oh and her mom was super nice. Made us this cheesy-potato thing covered with fried breadcrumbs and cookies with M&Ms and chocolate tarts with kumquats. Plus her little sis was SUPER CUTE. She really really made me all bubbly and happy yay.

Then we got chauffeured to Coro bus stop where I met the girls to shop for Xintian's birthday steamboat dinner. We spent 120++ on the food (including CHUBBY HUBBY, Snickers and Mars Ice Cream and the tangyuan) and I secretly dumped a can of pacific clams into the trolley without Peishan's knowledge despite her saying NO NO NO. We had SO much food that we had trouble finishing it even with our three resident bottomless pits - Mich, Rach and yours truly. They were having some betting thing - who bets on van to be the last man(woman) standing? Gosh it was sooo cute.

Oh and speaking of CUTE, Peishan's younger brother is damn eyecandy. Every single one of the girls said so, especially Huiying and Mindy. We asked him to take a photo for us and our dear Huiying was making open commentary. "Eh, he's so cute, if he comes to NJ he'll be the resident hunk" and "NO LAR! He where got look like Justin? He looks BETTER!" But the worst was Mindy. When he came out of his room and Mindy just arrived, she shrieked. The poor poor boy looked like his face was transfigured into a tomato. Eventually he was so traumatised and scared by us hooliganish girls that he hid in his room and refused to come out to eat the leftovers. Huiying's staying over at Peishan's place tonight. What ruckus. Hah. It was super fun and I can't wait till the next birthday party - especially since it'll be mine and shumin's yayyyy :)

Okay so I ended up waking up at 230am and watching the damn match after all. I think only the first half was worth my time. I was damn shocked at the lineup.. the formation showed by StarSports was 4-4-2 with CISSE AND SISSOKO up front. I almost died. Why the HELL did Benitez not play Crouch?! His aerial presence was sorely missed. Eventually they went to a 4-5-1 with Sissoko on the right. But still....... they can't score and they wanna play lone strikers? Oh and why Josemi for Finnan as right-back? Carra was so often forced to cover up for him for he was barely there! But you know what's the best thing? Benitez substituted Cisse for KEWELL. HARRY KANGAROO KEWELL who hasn't played since Istanbul. Sheesh. Granted, the Cisse lone goal was good, but that was all it was - good - not spectacular. I kinda have to agree with the papers saying that watching Pool is kinda boring. It's not about how many goals they score but about the way they play - passing is crap, teamwork is nullified.. ugh.

But today was nice :) Weejin was scared of Dav for some reason and it was damn funny to watch his reaction when Dav started talking about her jinxed hamsters. TWO MORE WEEEEEEKS!

New template yay I had this image lying around on my old computer unused so I decided to turn it into a template. I will credit the stock artists later. I'm lazy to hunt down the sources again. The lyrics on the image are from Coldplay's little interlude "Parachutes" and the header stuff on the sidebar are from Alanis Morissette's "Ironic". What I want to know is - can all you people who are using a screen resolution of 800X600 or 1024X768 see the whole image without scrolling? Let me know on the tagboard okays.

Ok ok I know what you're thinking. I WILL get back to my rightful job - mugging - now. Should I watch Pool's match later? We'll see.

It's not very nice to mention stuff that I don't like to hear when you know full well that I'm not very happy right now. Granted I didnt tell you I don't like to hear stuff like that but isn't it common sense. Ugh. I'm sadpissedannoyed.

EDIT: Now I'm seriously incensed especially upon thinking back over the past few days I mean wtf. Have some freaking sensitivity will you. Why must you be so mean. Now I'm more determined than ever to work things out to PROVE things to you dammit. It's really going overboard and if I had the GALL like you, I would have slammed back even more directly. Gosh, looks like I was seriously wrong about you and I misjudged your character what a major disappointment.

Everything will be okaaay. Thanks for the breakfast treat though I really wasn't very hungry but yeah thanks anyway. Today was so sluggish I hate to even think about what I did today cos there's nothing much to think about. Oops.

Hopefully things will stop fluctuating and I'll have some permanence for once. I need chocolate.

The cynic is back.

Enough with saccharine fairytale idyll. Done with the positivity and the sunny personality for it doesn't get you anywhere. Shut yourself up in a tight little box and never ever open up again cos the repercussions are unpredictable and more often than not hurtful. Arcadia seems far off and yes that's how it is honestly. I was in the bus to town today and saw this couple and the girl was like WHACKING the guy's head, albeit in a playful way but omg ouch?! It was like whackwhackwhack and the thumping sound could be heard three seats away. Lunatic. At least I know even if I'm trying to be cheeky I wouldn't whack my boyfriend's head and pull his hair in PUBLIC. Sheesh.

I guess as we rely on others we all have ulterior motives. Ok maybe it's not always "ulterior" but we more often than not have a motive for being close to someone. Most people I've encountered so far are only close to me if they have a favour to ask of me, but I don't deny the fact that I do that too. HUMAN FOLLY. Homo sapien quirkiness huh? So since this is inherent is it therefore acceptable? Must you have a motive before you actually get to know someone or do you do it "just because"? I don't know. Perhaps I'm a little bit off now.

But I'll be ok. Even if I'm not I won't tell you. Cos like wad Peishan said to me during the last morning games today - "VAN! I don't care, all sad people must be happy today." How did she know??? Shanshan knows everything :)

I'm really damn sorry for making a mess even though it's all in the past, you're right cos we really screwed up and whatever it is I'm glad things are ok for you right now. You say you don't believe in karma but I think you're just saying it to make me feel better. I'm thankful, really. There was a little bit of spite but now I think it's like what you said. Losing a girlfriend and gaining a good friend. I feel the same way too. Thanks for being someone I can lean on these few days you don't know how much you've managed to put things into perspective for me. I suppose I wish you all the very best in everything.. and, a little flower says sorry.

I'm really losing focus. I want to throw away all my notes and burnburnburn them till they're nothing but a lump of grey ash. Watched Liverpool's match yesterday although they're damn boring now. They were rubbish yesterday and I wasted my time. It was so ironic cos Cisse and co were trying but failing to find the net then at the bottom of the screen, it would flash every five minutes "Chelsea 1, Chelsea 2, Chelsea 3, Chelsea 4, Chelsea 5". Yes, irony at its best. They were a mess and why did Benitez pick Sissoko and/or Zenden ahead of Riise is totally beyond me. No team spirit no unity no whatever. Captain Carra was by far the best player and if we could, my dad and I were talking about killing Sissoko. Hah.

It's like drollery these days and my momentum is going waaay off. I think perhaps the events of the past few days really affected me a lot and my mind is constantly preoccupied with stuff that I cannot for the life of me concentrate. Home is so distracting. From tomorrow onwards I'm staying away from home.. school, KAP, Caltex House or wherever. Anywhere's more conducive than here. I want to paint but I'm lazy to set up all my paints plus my watercolours are locked up in the art cabinet! Sheesh.

You know how life is a seesaw or a sine curve. That's how it is now. Down up down up down up and the flux is becoming routine. Oxymoronic but true. I did MJ stats paper and I can do almost everything whoopee. Sigh.

Honestly speaking, thank you for listening, but I really didn't need you telling me how perfect your life is now. I mean, you're listening to my crap because you felt bad about walking off and you didn't even KNOW I was upset till I told you. So I know we both have separate lives now and we both know very well that mine is pretty screwed up, so the last thing I needed was you revelling me with tales about how amazing it's been ever since last year. But props to you for caring, or I'd like to say - pretending to care.

Anyway, I needed assurance and I got it today, so thank you to you who's involved in making my day the best I've had in a long while. Thank you dav for retail therapy. :) I'm gonna take everyone's advice and just.. give it another chance I suppose. Considering the remorse you showed, I'm hoping that my faith in you will NOT waver again.

This is terrible. Saturday morning and you're feeling the lowest of lows you've ever felt. It sucks when you're feeling like shit and someone tells you that he's totally happy and doesn't want to change anything. I want to run away. Perhaps it was the trigger for everything how he was so aloof and so distant despite the fact that I was expecting some semblance of a conversation perhaps I was terribly deluded. Now I don't know what I want so I called weejin and went a bit bonkers so I'm meeting him at cityhall for lunch later I really really want to just run away. I'm not in the right state of mind and I think everything is gonna convulse and then collapse in a messy heap. I want to dissolve and melt into the ground and just disappear from the face of the earth - you think anyone would notice? I want to paint. I don't want just fleeting, ephemeral stuff I want solidity and something sempiternal. Maybe you can promise me that. stop all the selfcenteredness and pay more attention to the people around you. The pain is gonna prolong that's for sure, and I don't ever want to see my artwork again cos it hurts. Tomorrow will be better I think but no no then again I don't think so since everyday is the same old routine wake up mope eat mope study mope sleep. I gotta snap out of this trance and stop living in my own phantasmal world. Find me someone who can understand, someone who can "make my day no matter how screwed up my day has been" - I quoth you. I need a lot of these someones cos my days have always been screwed up it's been like that for ages. I want to cry and bawl like an oversized infant. An amalgamation of everything that's been bugging me is threatening to runneth over and I'm just ranting here like a deranged psycho. Something's really wrong I've never known myself to be like that before and I don't know how to handle it. Help me, I know I have to help myself first I want aromatherapy.

I think today was one of the most emotional days of my life. So many things happened and it's like a total plethora I don't even know what the hell to do with this situation anymore. The tears did threaten to spill but I didn't want to meltdown in front of all the AEPians and everyone at the openstudios. Explaining my work to everyone today made me realise how much of ME is in my painting. It's like a conceptually abstract representation of my experiences. I explained my project to Weixuan and then HE came in. Immediately, Weixuan was like saying it's based on him huh? Wow.. I didn't expect people to get it that fast.I guess it's true what he said -- "The most touching stories are not imagined but experienced." This is ridiculous, I'm getting sad cos of my own painting.

Nevertheless it was good to see everyone again. James. Jo. Tiff. Cedric. Good times. Perhaps too good.

Math today was fun. Ms Ling's really nice to have as a teacher! Oh and dav dear, can't wait for this saturday's shopping & study session! Muamua take care of my ipod okaaay!

Hmm from now on I think I'm gonna carry my camera wherever I go. I want to look at the world from a new perspective. Go me. I want to see lines. I want to see curves. I want to see shapes and forms that undulate. I want to play with light and shadow. I want to capture the moment, for you never know when the moments might escape.

I hope I made the right choice today. It's still on probation, mind you, but the anger has subsided.. Thanks to Andrew, Vin, Chew and Dav for everything for the past few days you guys have been amazing. Tomorrow's our AEP Grad Show!! 630 pm I think. YAYYYYYY :)

Isn't it IRONIC???

Sheesh I guess I have more anger than anything else in the world and I skipped lit and art today so left school at 1120 with chewy. Ok, I had cramps but by 1120 I was already feeling better but I didn't care. So I blew my entire week's allowance on the lamb at Country Manna and chocolates from Candy Empire. Wow, you all should know that I don't get much a week, so I think very very hard before I spend my allowance, but suddenly, chewy and I decided we wanted to fuck it (wait, not literally) and order something biggish. Ha. What a way to let things out. Catharsis at its best.

Yeah you heard me right, it's all anger boiling up inside and it's searing and fizzing and bubbling and rising. It's bitterness and vengeance and cold hard HATE. I feel like giving you a kick where it hurts most and it's all damn well that you're not succeeding in whatever crap you're doing cos you always mess things up don't you. HAH!

LINGS! Yay today at IJ was fun.. the new building.. sigh. Things change, but like they say, you can take the girl out of the convent, but you can't take the convent out of the girl :)

I've been listening to Alanis Morissette.. I don't know if it's a reflection of my mood these days, but her poignant lyrics, melancholic tunes really appeal to me now. Weird. Yeah, it's a sign of where my state of mind lies.. totally. Urgh. Shit this is turning into an angsty rambling thing! Not good not good. SO if you don't like angst don't read this.

I want to just be a hermit in the mountains of like, Switzerland. What the hell is going on? I don't get it.. I honestly don't. It's driving me crazy, eating me such that I'm bloody imploding. Let me warn you - if I seem unnaturally high in school, something is damn wrong. If I call you one day to tell you I'm at the Esplanade alone, something is wrong. But one thing's for sure, I damn well will not crumble. I will mope, pent it up, bottle everything, but I will not fall. I WILL NOT BOW DOWN. Even if it kills me, I will pick myself up.

But maybe, I can't do this alone.

Okay.. so based totally on a complete WHIM, I decided to message ms ting and tell her I wanna apply for a US-university. Previously I was all against going abroad because I didn't wanna get off my lazy ass and apply/start a new life and leave everything behind. But then I realised.. I'm actually not leaving anything behind apart from my family, and it's not as if I'm severing ties with them. Perhaps I've been too parochial and it's high time for me to see the world. I'm not saying that I WILL go, it depends on my scholarship apps too, but I guess if all goes well, I'll be with the SAF. Seriously. As for which institutions, I'm kinda inclined to Chicago. It's another whimsical thing, but hey, I'm probably applying just to keep my options open.. no guarantees just yet. Based on my BBBO results slip.. I honestly don't know where my standards lie. I don't know how the predicted grades are gonna be like, but.. it's nice to have a purpose.. for once.

Anyway, on another note, perhaps it's just me, pensively asking myself what I want to get out of this life. I was talking about a complete overhaul, and I think applying to US or even going there for real would be THE total and ultimate subversion for me. I used to think that I would be throwing away all my comforts and heading down to somewhere totally foreign and strange (OKAY OKAY, I'm a bit xenophobic!) but then again.. what incentives are there for me to stay here? There's only canoeing, I suppose. One measly little reason.

I think it's come to a point where I'm sick and tired of being in this position. Sick of being told what to do by you, and really really pissed off with you trying to control my life and treating me like your dog. I don't want to obey the "GO AWAY"s or the "For god's sake do your damn work"s anymore. I mean, who are you to speak to me like that? You know, I tried today only to get totally brushed aside. I tried. Perhaps that brushoff partially influenced my decision to apply abroad. No wait, this sounds like I'm running away from home, but I have to say that today's events made me realise how narrow my perspectives have been and how I shouldn't just give up opportunities because of little insignificant things. Truthfully, I do want to get away and really start things afresh. Wish me luck.

It's really terrible that Sudden Realisations can actually take your mind completely off your International History question that you're supposed to prepare for Mark Lo tomorrow. Like uhm, Gorbachev who? All at once it's almost as if all thoughts about why the USSR collapsed is totally beyond my scope of concern. Which is bad.

And aforementioned Sudden Realisation isn't anything good either. I mean, what else can take my mind of the glorious subject of HISTORY!! You know honestly I don't know what I'm getting myself into or why I'm doing what I'm doing that is supposed to make me happy but is failing big time and I'm slipping into an abyss of.. nothingness. The point is: I Am Not Happy. You there, listen up. I'm not happy okay? So please do something about it.

Dear Life,
You know what, this isn't really working out, but it's not you, it's me. Or maybe it's someone else. But Mr Life, don't worry I ain't gonna abandon you yet. I'm not even thinking about it. I just want some chocolate. Is that possible? I want to massage a cow so its fats gets evenly distributed eventually ending up in the slaughterhouse and producing KOBE BEEF. I want to fly a plane. PWEETY PWEAASE? It can't happen here you know. As in, why? Isn't it true that every single person living on this planet deserves the basic right of happiness? Why then, Mr Life, do you screw things up? They say C'est La Vie, but it's bullshit!!! No no no why must you be this way? I don't believe there isn't any avenue for me to OVERTHROW you, Mr Life. But I'm not decisive enough to change you, not bold enough to perform a complete overhaul just like what the USSR's economy needed. So, does that make me a Gorbachev? Is everything gonna (gasp) COLLAPSE??! Oh no oh no oh no. Help meeeeeee.
Lovelovelove xoxo,
VAN!

Ok people, you're not gonna hear me say this again, so listen up.

POOR BECKHAM!!!! I REALLY PITY HIM HE DOESN'T DESERVE THE RED CARD!!

There, I said it. Watched England vs Austria yesterday and honestly, Sven, you've got a great squad. It was quite upsetting though, that at the start of the 2nd half, they got all sluggish contrary to the splendid 1st half performance. I was very impressed by the Crouch-Owen partnership! Made me all wistful, thinking what if Owen had returned to Pool? It was like they had telepathy. Watching England made me realise how much I miss watching Owen play. Sigh. Oh yeah, and Luke Young was great too. Now that Becks is suspended against Poland, I really hope Eriksson will bring on Wright-Phillips in his place. Or at least call upon Murphy! :) As for defence, now that Sol Campbell's pretty knocked up, is Ferdinand good enough for his replacement? I say nooo. Young, Carragher, Terry, Richardson/King. No Ferdinand (or Rooney for that matter) for me kthanks.

Anyway. The SAF talk today was very informative. Some officer told me I look "sweet and fragile" and I almost roared with laughter. Now people, in all honesty, DO I LOOK SWEET AND FRAGILE?! Hahahahahahahahaha that must be the joke of the century. I've got things like "tough" and "don't-mess-with-her" but never ever ever sweet and fragile, sheeeeesh. I'm not all that scary, but I'm no princessy whiny little girl either. Sweet and fragile! GAWSH.

I just feel like sitting at the breakwater near the esplanade and just listen to the compressions and rarefactions of the waves. (Ha lets get scientific here shall we.) I want to watch the day turn into night. Watch the sun disappear as the earth spins about its axis, see light being devoured by dark. Hot and cold velvety darkness like black coffee. Lost in my own little world, confined to an area of 1m radius around me. That's all I need now. Silence, solace, solitude, serenity. You know the feeling of standing on the platform of a train station, watching the train whoosh over the tracks till it becomes a speck in the distance, chug-chug-chugging straight into oblivion. (And I don't mean the cold, unfeeling MRT trains but those oldish steam railway things.) The warm sooty smell still lingers even as the huge serpentine monster has disappeared. Then you find yourself - terrible as it may sound - alone.

Even if you're among people in the crowd, even if you're sandwiched next to someone that you can smell her perfume, you're alone. Concatenated bodies of eyes, limbs, hair. Despite that fragile connection you have with the people around you, you're on your own. Even though you know someone well enough how can you be sure that it's not all chimerical. Mind you, loneliness is bloody different from solitude. The latter is like, pseudo nirvana but the former represents nothing but anguish. I don't really know what solitude is like but it sure sounds hella good to me. Unfortunately, it really confounds me how one can be close to someone but yet feel so abstrusely alone.

I don't really know where I'm going with this discussion. Wait - it's not even a discussion, it's more like a monologue, but I don't really care. Putting everything in to circumlocution somehow is cathartic and somewhat therapeutic. I suppose everything resembles an agglomeration of stuff totally disparate but.. that's just me. Goodbye.

Was at KAP in the morning, then left cos he had to go to school for consultation. I went home thinking I could have a NICE PEACEFUL TIME but boy was I shit wrong. The people living directly above me decide to do MAJOR construction ie hacking the floors and drilling walls and I was like ^%%^$*@&*^&%$^&#! I couldn't even hear myself think! I entered the house, took my snapple and dashed out again. I realise now that I have a phobia of loud noises. I just RAN out to the freaking bus stop and boarded the first bus which took me thankfully to Aljunied station then I boarded the first train which was towards BoonLay. So just followed the crowd to City Hall and somehow I ended up in town at Taka Coffee Bean. Only then was I able to breathe properly again.

Unfortunately it's times when I'm alone that I start getting all tense and squirmish. Managed to somehow make my Chocolate of a Thousand Leaves slice of cake last for 2hours while I completed some math. Wanted to go home but instead found myself bypassing Orchard station and walking to Somerset instead. Met Tiffany! :) Yeah anyway as I was walking.. crazy things started running through my mind and I was pretty much zoned out. I could almost hear Damien Rice's The Blowers Daughter playing in the background a la the opening scenes of Closer. Then Karyn White's Superwoman began playing on my ipod and the lyrics totally jolted me to my senses.

These days I don't know what I'm doing at all. Just going through the motion.

Nostalgia like ohmygawwwsh. What kinda rut are you getting yourself into? AEP celebratory dinner at Country Manna today was great. Had a fantastic time laughing and really took my mind off things that have been bugging me real bad. Yeah it was fantastic. Really. Thank you. Went to CMPB today! (Not for me of course.) He was Pes B-ed cos of his eyesight.. well it's quite scary. They said that the retina of his right eye was like detached or something and his nerves were in danger of degenerating ohmyfuck. JUSTIN ONGSHUWEI if you're reading this.. you better go check your eyes man. (Btw I still owe you your CLOSER dvd ooooops what to do, Jude Law is too sexy.)

Are we doing things for the sake of doing things why don't we think long term instead of settling for the moment. I know it's nice to have whims and fancies and little idiosyncratic acts once in a while but being too flamboyant isn't that great all the time. Sometimes we must ask ourselves those questions even though we know we won't like the answers it's so stupid isn't it. Look at my horrible sentence structure and my disgusting lack of punctuation and you'll know that I really am very stream-of-consciousness for all the scenes from life's blockbuster flash like speedbullets across the universe. Trying to slow down but before I can catch up it's all gone and disappeared.

Sometimes we need to evaluate but it's crazy to keep evaluating and reaching zilch consensus. reconciliation of differences and issues is necessary but seems very unattainable for neither one is willing to take the extra step. well i understand how change has wielded its double-edged sword on events but isn't it possible to make the exception and try to evade its arms. I guess it's just me.

Somehow get this inexplicable surge of feeling that has been on my conscience for a longlongtime. Been brooding over this for quite a long time and I know that I can't reverse the sands of time so why the heck is this still persisting i really don't know. things have so obviously and irrevocably changed and the past has coalesced into nothing but an overlarge dustbunny hidden in the crevices of an old chest of drawers. So there's no point with ambivalence and sitting on the fence. The axiom goes that things can never be altered. There are times when you're sure like spitfire but nononono it's not all the time. Time to lead an ascetic life but is that what I want. Sure, the events mean something the person means much more but why did you do something you know you would regret? Deep down despite you saying overover you know it's not so why put on your garish accoutrement and try to bluff your way down the runway of life. Sanctimonious talk about nonbetrayal but oh, look what you've done! Horror of horrors but the realisation came too late. Acrimonious feelings all evaporated and flushed down the Pacific Ocean for that's where the sewage goes doesn't it? When you were content you chose to relinquish contentment for what on the surface seemed utopian. Ignoring the warning bells and the superficiality of it all you went ahead and left a trail of hurt and desolation. Turning a deaf ear to pleas and cajoles and trinkets and mementos choosing instead lies and misery and a taste of your own medicine. maybe it all stemmed from that day a ghost of the past come back to poke and pry into your misconceived perfectlife. How deluded, van. Maybe this is all a farce and the true calling lies elsewhere but who can take everything away. A new beginning is what we all need. Renewal and regeneration calls out but we cannot grasp the nettle firmly and we take the path with the promise of rainbow at the end only to find out we've been duped by fate. Perhaps you're ready but you're afraid cos you don't know what on earth is gonna happen to you. if only sense had caught up with you plus there's no point self-reproaching reaching the plateau of stagnation instead of the apogee of progress. The true progress I want cannot be achieved and it's confirmed straight from the horse's mouth and ouchhh hurt bigtime. Always apotheosis, but i am the penultimate.

B for Lit. So far, BBO and there's still the art grade. I don't think I'll get less than a C for art though. But Lit was a real surprise. I mean, I would never have expected to get an A for the Brave New World context question that Ms Champagne told us NOT to do. That A, albeit borderline, saved my abysmal grade for Herbert, given that I missed out the entire last stanza of the bloody poem. So I think it's a 62 for lit? If my rudimentary calculations do not fail me.

Evaluating prelims.. I suppose I was lucky. I didn't (or rather, couldn't) put in maximum effort. I think I only put in slightly more than 50% of what I know I'm capable of doing. Hopefully, this means good signs for A Levels. My mom wants me to go abroad if I get a scholarship, but honestly, I want to stay here. NUS' Architecture course sounds good, but it's taxing. Maybe Psychology? Or English Language (Entymology & Sociology). Political Science. Lit. Philo. Sheesh I don't know.

Today Yiffy was impersonating Mao Zedong and trying to teach those new China/Viet scholars how to wear their uniforms properly. I mean, of course she didn't go up to them and force them to embark on the Great Leap Forward of this time and age, but she acted everything in front of us with such conviction. Ha. "Shang yi bu xu fang jin qun zi! Zhui hao bang yi ge shu jiao quan!" Complete with tongue-rolling and a Chinesey accent - she sounded really authentic. And I think that episode really brightened up my day for I was feeling very irritable. Thanks girl :)

Ebony and Ivory. For we are thesis, antithesis and synthesis.
You know how things happen, don't you?
A little flash, bam, alakazam and you get two peas in a pod.
Outwardly different, prima facie, but
Intrinsically, inherently, a medley. Seamless.
For you, my Apollo, hold the Oracle.

TWO
Warm, cushiony feel of heart to heart, rather like
Hot cocoa, raindrops and peeling paint.
Beautiful, pristine, untainted.
Nothing could be more simple, less oblique, less pure.
Thank you.

THREE
Imagining the faraway future, oh clairvoyant?
What's next hangs in the form of a hazy organza-like piece of.. whatever.
Maroonish, sweetsour, vinaigrette --
The phial of fragrance from the ancient banks of the Nile.
Who knows, who cares, who gives?
For what now, is saccharine, tangy, bittersweet, saline.
And I wouldn't ask for more.

EDIT: Okay, I actually came up with a title for this thing - it's called Celebration. Don't ask me why I suddenly had a longing and epiphany to write. Such things just strike you when you least expect it. I mean - you wouldn't expect one to write something after struggling through math would you? but it happened. I don't want to Prac Crit my own stuff, so I'll leave everything up to your interpretation. Completely ad hoc. Me and my keyboard, and random words that seem to gel.

So I somehow managed a B in history despite falling asleep for 2 out of 4 of Mark Lo's papers. Lady Luck has clung onto me like a barnacle to a rock for this prelims, and I hope she makes her stay permanent. Lit's been going pretty ok too, but I don't want to jinx anything so I better not say much. I just hope I do reasonably well for art.

I'm starting to get in the mood of gearing up for the As actually. The only thing that's standing in my way its my awfully cramped study table. I think I need a new one, so probably this weekend is gonna be spent at Ikea if my dad agrees. In case you think I'm the ultimate perpetrator of throwaway culture, my desk measures only 90cm and it's been in the family since my grandfather's time. (He's dead, and I never met him by the way.) It's a family "heirloom" and I'm quite fond of it actually. Maybe my aunt would wanna take it. I can't bear to see it dismantled into little slabs of wood. I guess this kinda reflects my personality too, how I get so attached to some stuff that I can't bear to get rid of it. You can imagine the amount of junk I own. Only to me they're not junk. They're like, pirate treasure :)

23.8km, from Haw Par Villa to NTU.

I must say that I surprised myself. Although I had initially wanted to try the full marathon distance, but the schedule prevented me from doing so.. but somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I would die out by the end of 10km. But when it was 17km or so, I was still feeling fresh. It was only after that, at International Walk after the Cadbury factories, that my whole left fibula started to go numb. The numbness spread throughout my whole left leg, and even when I walked, I couldn't walk straight. Kept tumbling into Chew and Chunhow. Szewei was right. It wasn't the cardio.. it was the muscle aches. Till now my Achilles tendon and my knees still hurt like crap. Mr Yong finished 2nd. 168km in 26h 11min 3sec. All I ran was like 1/8 of the distance.. and I already felt like shit. Yeah Chunhow. We're the unfittest gold medallists in the bloody world man.

Somehow, I still managed to have lunch with Chew, Tom and David at Jurong Point, AND went to town to shop for Amanda's present with Sam, AAAAAND went for Henry/Dav's celebration at Marche. Ugggg. I think tomorrow I'll have to be carried up the steps of NJ.

Besides that, I was in a rather ruminative mood today. Yesterday I visited/went past many places that held some rather poignant memories to me. Suntec Food Court, Sakae Sushi at Wheelock, Borders, Nike/Adidas at Suntec.. Kinokuniya's art section that day was worse. It really was rather.. nostalgic. It was also today that I realised how much I know about someone, but yet we're not even close now. It's just so weird that fate loves to play these little games with us. La Tortura. I know you love coke. I know where you live. I know your little quirks (Ribena with pearl), your fascination with my Levis shades. Your love for taking truckloads of photographs. I know you don't really like oysters. Plus your family, your birthday.. stuff like that. But I guess I'll never know how much you know/knew about me. Perhaps you've chosen to forget. I don't know. I don't even call it a friendship now, but sometimes, despite the constant negation, I suppose nostalgia still delivers its sucker punch once in a while.

I will TRY to do math/history while watching Chelsea vs Liverpool. Hah. That is if I can stay awake.

Lunch today with IJ people was cancelled, so I thought, ok at least there's still dinner with the artsfac! But then I messaged sam about buying presents, then she told me that dinner was on SUNDAY!! Omg. Thank goodness, or else I would have gone down to Marche Heeren and waited there like a bloody imbecile.

So, confronted with the first FREE Saturday in ages, I went on a pampering trip with my parents.
First stop - Manicure at Strip Shaw Centre. Then Browhaus at Wheelock. Then bought my pair of Birkenstocks ($79) and The Glass Palace from Borders ($19.95). Lunch at Big O. Bacon wrapped chicken leg and Chamomile tea. My dad had waffles for lunch haha. Oh then went to Suntec to get my dad's Samsonite luggage. Samsonite had this range of PENGUIN bags, iceblue and complete with flippers and orange webbed feet and a beak. So I bought a penguin pencil case!!!! It was so totally adorable haha.

YAY it was a totally well-deserved break after the scrubbing floors and stitching of canvases! Tomorrow's the run, and lets just say I don't know what's the arrangement. Is Mr Yong gonna sleep or not???? I'm pretty screwed. Hah. Have to rely on Vivien to update me I guess. YAYYYY :) Off to do math and history! *bounce

EDIT: Latest news - Bali got bombed again?! Thats what my dad said. What the fuck is the world coming to???