So I dug out my forsaken pair of rose-tinted glasses last night, swept away the dust bunnies, and I thought I was ready to wear them permanently again.
But boy, was I hella wrong. I'm chucking the rose tinted glasses aside yet again. So much for a rejuvenated optimism huh? Just when I'm prepared to banish the cynicism and paranoia six feet underground, things just have to invert itself.
I honestly thought the best of the situation. Really, I did. I even managed to put a muzzle on the inate bitch in me, I managed to keep my temper in check, talk things out rationally.. but all I felt was like I could be better off talking to a block of wood. Waiting for a reply in vain, staring at my phone as if I was watching paint dry, hoping fervently that the little yellow envelope icon would pop up on the external screen.. in the end, it's just not meant to be huh?
I had faith. Tons and tons of it, but suddenly, I think it's all evaporated. I'm being mercurial, so sue me, but I can't help it. It's not once, twice, thrice, but all the time. I don't know how I managed to even summon up all that strength and belief and evade all the negatives. Maybe that's what it was.. escapism. Looking at the sunny side and negating the dark, refusing to acknowledge that things aren't as rosy as I make it out to be.
The funny thing is that this time I'm *quite certain that it's beyond all salvation. It's never felt like this before.. never been so distressing and helpless. The dull ache is of a greater magnitude than ever, and I'm seriously too exhausted to actually do something about it. It's always been action on my part without reaction from you, and it's tiring.
I don't think its any use to try and bend the pieces of the puzzle and deliberately try to make them fit with one another. A square block won't fit in a round hole. That's just it. Maybe it's time to be stronger than I've ever been. Time to whip out that solid outer shell again, and seek necessary solace.
Vanessa Lim 3:10 p. m.
