"What could've been is better than what could never be at all"
I used to think that was the gospel truth, even when Peishan debunked it. When you HOPE so much for something and that something doesn't happen, it hurts. Really really badly. I used to think that the possibility of things going my way was enough, it's at least better than having zero hope at all. But to hope and expect so much from something or someone, only to have your hopes dashed, that just sucks.
Perhaps all this stems from me having this naive outlook on life, thinking that everyone out there is saintly and angelic. I expect a lot from people, so when anyone breaks that faith I have in him/her, I'm completely and utterly crushed. It really eludes me, why I allow myself to fall into the same few traps over and over again. It's deja vu times one million and it's not funny. Why is it that I still continue to place so much faith and belief in the human race when obviously I should be operating on the "once bitten twice shy" principle? Trying and trying does nothing, reaps no results, only succeeding in making me look like a monumental idiot. Amelioration seems so far-fetched now. Maybe I need a reality check..
A semblance of a reality check suddenly hit last night and I started being ruthless, deleting everything that connected with abovementioned loss of faith, and IT FELT GOOD. Perhaps it's that sheer illusion of empowerment that overcame me as I pressed "Delete" over and over. The sick feeling of satisfaction when I saw the words "Deleted, Message 53" flash fleetingly. The photos weren't spared too. Perhaps this is only temporary, a bloody mask, but hey, if it makes me sleep better at night, why not? It's escape, I agree, but who gives. ("See I've always been a fighter, but without you I give up")
"Shut your mouth burn your bridges, throw your words like an attack and stab me in the wait a second, wait a second what's that i just heard? nevermind it's obviously worthless... now you're standing on your soapbox yelling from the rooftops, everything you say is a lie..." - The Juliana Theory
Just realised that what started out as something insightful ended up as something totally angsty and bitter. Oh well. Attack of the subconscious.
Vanessa Lim 1:38 p. m.
