when time and confusion collide

the name is vanessa but everybody calls me van. estranged ex-NJCanoeist of 2004/05 K2-500m. I'm a WSO (FIGHTER) trainee and I'm doing my BA(Hons) English and Politics in the University of York. I like fast cars, literature, art and tulips. I cannot cook. When I was younger I wanted to be an astronaut. I am hopeless at math or anything remotely related to formulae. I detest parsley. I love the colour burgundy. My Macbook is my bestfriend and I've played with Macs since I was 15 so no, I didn't jump on the bandwagon. I have lofty dreams but I'm often afraid to chase them. I don't get angry I get disappointed. I intend to learn Spanish and German. Oh, and I think Liverpool kicksmajorass - I am not a fair-weathered fan. I think ambiguity is beautiful.

DECEMBRE/DECIEMBRE/DECEMBRO
02 -- Thong's bday
05 -- Shumin's bday
07 -- Howeeeeee's bday
08 -- Daddy's bday
09 -- Commsparade!
11 -- Politics exam, snowball
14 -- MY bday!!
15 -- End of term!!!!!!!! To London.
17 -- 07
18 -- Flying home!
19 -- Touchdown 1855 SQ321
30 -- Back to London

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I don't know why but just today while I was msging you, I felt a sudden, inexplicable surge of anger, hatred and bitterness all compressed into one. The anger gave way to pure numbness, which later dissolved so naturally into a dull ache in the heart, that no amount of breathing in and out would obliterate. It was THAT feeling. The feeling that you know you've lost something, and you'll never be able to get it back albeit the fact that it's right under your nose. Penny for your thoughts? I'd like to know that you actually give a shit, and that nonchalant, unperturbed aura you exude is just a whole masquerade, a tool to help you cope.

Maybe I'm just living in delusion again. I'm bitter. Very very bitter. And when I'm bitter I'm vile. I can be extremely nasty, but deep down in the recesses of my heart, from the fucking aorta to the tricuspid valves, (I STILL REMEMBER BIO!!) it hurts. Like someone has just taken the damn organ out and stomped on it really hard. Woosh!! Rush of air! The heart is a balloon! *smirk. So maybe this sarcasm, this angst, hostility and deep-rooted frustration is MY device, my only form of revenge. Only that this revenge doesn't seem to be working, but I have to deceive myself that it is.

At the end of the world

Or the last thing I see

You are

Never coming home