Deterioration. Degeneration. Decomposition. Retardation. Falling. Slipping. Lost of dexterity. Maladroit.

I guess it's always this period of the year huh, when things really start sucking. My sine curve is in the negatives now. Whoopeedoo. I don't really know where I'm heading now. I hate 2005. I hate A Levels. Sorry for sounding so angsty but I really do. I just can't wait to get out of this goddamn hellhole of a school and move the hell on with my life. If it weren't for you I don't think I could have held on. Thank you - you know who you are. Thanks for putting a smile on my face today, you did make me feel better.

On the bus ride home, tears just started cascading. I honestly tried to hold them in but those saline drops just slid out. Gosh, I must have been a sight. Thank goodness the bus wasn't packed. I walked home from the bus stop - trudging through the rain and not even bothering about the wind that chilled to the bone - completely in a daze. It was as if my surroundings were negligible, like I was a spectral being amongst all the solid, grounded people around me. CRAZY. Sheesh.

I've reached a stage where I'm just stagnating. I think my drive, my motivation, has just suddenly evaporated. I know I have to pick myself up from this mess. I don't understand. The old me would never let myself dissolve like this. I know no one can help me but myself, but I just don't have the urge or the compulsion to extricate myself from this imbroglio. Impeccably confused. I guess I'm expecting some sort of catharsis to emerge from this but so far I only get nothingness. The worst thing is that I don't know why. Nights have passed with me staining my pillow with tears, with me feeling pain beyond any sort of anguish I've ever felt. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. Perhaps if I found the root of all this I could go about ameliorating the trash inside, but I don't even know where to fucking start.