Today's art was one of the more fulfilling sessions. Played with a mixture of blue enamel paint and water. Enamel's oil-based so naturally it doesnt mix with water, creating a rather weird, marble effect. Put a bowl of it on top of a piece of paper and intentionally stepped on the bowl, causing its contents to splatter all over the paper - my interpretation of the feelings that water stirs up in me. Well, I hope to post pictures up soon. Ended up with blue toes and hands after that but it was well worth it. Fun fun fun.

Anyway my dad's coming back from Shanghai soon, and he's bringing back Escada's Rockin Rio perfume yay! :):) Tomorrow's a shopping day at Art Friend to buy my acrylics, watercolour and watercolour paper. Possibly to Ikea too to buy a box to store all my art stuff. Shitloads of fun. I really wish I had the moolah to rent a room somewhere so I can have my own studio. Mr Lee says it costs abt 300-400 per month. I shall bring this up to my dad. Hah. Chances are like in the negatives, but hey no harm trying huh?? :)

The pain, it coursed through, without any warning. I honestly thought I was going to pass out and cap on my boat today. It was after my first set of fartlek, when I was turning at the buoys near shore. The very familiar pain that I last felt on April 5th when I was hospitalised - yes it came again. Sharp and cutting, it was enough for me to stop rowing completely. Like a sucker punch delivered straight to the lower abdomen, I started seeing double, triple. Looked down and saw my hands trembling, my knees shivering. My boat, it was rocking crazily, but I thankfully had that little ounce of reflexes left to to tap hard and not capsize. The sharp pain went away after a while but the light-headedness didn't. It got better towards the last set of fartlek and faded completely during pacing, but I'm scared.

I don't want a relapse of anything. I don't want to be sent to that cold, sterile hospital again. Neither do I want to have any more ultrasound scans or blood tests. I don't want to discover that there's anything abnormal, not that there isn't ALREADY. I've really had enough of the health problems this year, and I know that I'm not gonna let it get me down anymore. I'm gonna train through the pain, till it crosses my threshold and I collapse. I'm really sick and tired of having to back out because of health problems. I don't want to be weak anymore.

What's going on? What's happening to me? That was what constantly ran through my mind as I struggled but failed to keep up during the fartlek (which is usually my forte). Helpless, and vulnerable, and if it wasn't for Huiying, Chit and Rach, I wouldn't have lasted. Thanks guys. K1 girls jiayou :)

Almost lost my shoebag today. Was boarding the bus and I realised my hands were empty. Looked out of the window and saw it at the bus stop. Sheesh. Alighted at the next stop and sprinted all the way back and thankfully it was still there.

Me: Thank goodness I'm an athlete or I won't have the stamina to sprint there.

Weejin: Why don't you wish you were a thinker instead of an athlete so you won't misplace it?

Anyway, today was spent traipsing around Clementi Central looking for the Rotiboy outlet cos we both had a craving. He finally called his mom and we found that elusive shop. Yay. Ultimate bliss. One day we're SO gonna go for buffet. Stuff myself silly.

Modem's finally working. Yay. One whole week without the net proves hazardous, especially if you got FOUR sets of history lecture notes to print out. It's been a whirlwind of a week, what with me getting undiluted, un-neutralised hydrogen peroxide contact lens solution in my eye. (Causing me to be blind for 15 minutes and hence missing morning training) Plus the PB for 2.4 - 11.06 -- Thanks Justin, owe you one. Apart from the 2.4, eveything's been messed up. It's just staring at me right in the face.. things are taking a slide. Despite the fact that I resolve to stick my head up high and not let things get me down, it's so obvious that I can't run away from the fact that I'm getting bogged down.

Does the problem lie with me? Maybe I'm pinning all the blame on you.. when actually it's me. Perhaps things are not what you anticipated, perhaps you thought wrong from the beginning. I guess I'm tying you down, and that's what I don't want. Sometimes I honestly wish I knew you better, and vice versa. Perhaps if we did take the time to understand each other better things won't be like how it is now. Seems that everything is just.. slipping away from us. It's one way traffic for now, and it hurts.

Podiatrist today. Diagnosis:

I'm close to tears 'cause your only almost here

I'm a monumental idiot. I don't know why it's been reduced to such a state. Things have changed, no matter how much you might deny it. I'm sick of believing your lies. I hate it when you take things for granted, when you take ME for granted. I won't always be there when you expect me to. When I need you, you just fucking disappear because you're too caught up with your own LIFE to even bother about the people around you. I don't wish to be led on a leash, tied by a noose. It's the last straw, and I've had just about enough.

But you know what? Something tells me I'm gonna take all those cutting words back and give you chance after chance again. That's how bloody pathetic I am.

Today was just lousy. Someone said something (albeit not about me) which I overheard and made me really upset. It's not really the content of what was said that bothered me, but it's my own unwitting reaction to those cutting words that really caught me off guard. The point is that I really shouldn't be feeling this way at all.. nothing warrants this, unless what I feared right from the beginning is starting to take shape. Suddenly, everything seems hazy, nothing is ever clear anymore. Ambivalence, that's what it is.

It didn't really help that someone else did something that really irked me. All the promises to change just go down the drain. All the SUGAR-COATING. The lies, the fallacies. How do you expect me to believe you if you keep going back on what you so steadfastly and firmly promised?

Dav, I'm really glad we talked. I've not told any girl about what's really going on, so I haven't had a more sensitive outlook on things.. I guess it kinda helped me put things into perspective a little, though I'm still hopelessly clueless. As for what I'm going to do, I can only see those intimidating question marks revolving around my head. The last thing I need now is a dilemma, especially at this stage when I'm floundering and lagging in studies, but I still find myself stuck in quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink, and that's what's happening to me now. The more I try to extricate myself from this imbroglio, it seems that I'm plunging deeper into the crevice. I just don't know anymore..

They say "follow your heart", but do they actually know how much following your heart ENTAILS? How do you know if your heart is right? How do you predict the consequences of your actions? What happens if your heart tells you to do something that's completely immoral, but yet it's what you desire? How do you know what you really want anyway?

What a whole long series of questions. Shows how directionless I am. Decision making is like rocket science. At least I'm sure of one thing. I WANT MY NEW BALANCE 630s!!!

Just saw the training plan for tomorrow, and I'm at canoe polo. Sigh. I desperately need to train in my K1. Look how much mileage I've missed already. I owe a fucking Standard Chartered in running to make up for the rowing I've missed. 42km, and counting, since I'm gonna miss all of Mondays and Fridays. How I'm gonna cover everything is a mystery to me. Something tells me that I'm gonna be lagging big time, given how much Huiying and Chit are improving. I'm glad I have Rach in the same boat (PUN NOT INTENDED!) so I have someone to talk to when things are really going wrong. Sigh.

I've been feeling weak. Very very very weak. I don't know if it's just a mental barrier, but I hope whatever it is that's holding me back, I'll be able to overcome it. I haven't trained for a week but it feels like a month. It's slipping away from me. Every single thing that I built up.. gone, just because my lessons clash with training. My pull ups. I can still manage 10, but it falls short. I don't know what I can do anymore.. I'm just gonna suck.

Oh, was at Queensway today and saw these absolutely SEXY pair of New Balance Racers. $145.95. They're red and black and totally mind-blowing. I think I might try very hard to persuade my dad to get it for me. I rarely see anything that I want so badly. Argh. I WANT THOSE SHOES!

Jackson Pollock is a genius. I particularly enjoyed Art History today because we did Abstract Expressionism. Pollock, along with Mark Rothko - two of my most favourite artists. The way in which Pollock splashes paint onto the canvas is fantastic. It may look totally careless and haphazard, but it ISN'T. It takes a certain amount of control to pour just the right amount of paint at a particular point. It's.. just wow. Breathtaking. The sheer dynamism, texture and energy. WOW.

I guess there's this part of me that seriously yearns to let go, to not be bound by set standards. I'm not really the type who would go beyond boundaries and take risks. I prefer to play safe and just stick in my comfort zone. I had a talk with Mr Lee a few weeks back, and he told me that I was being too rigid. According to him, my technical competency is excellent, but I'm just happily finding limited satisfaction in reproducing drawings and more drawings. I'm becoming like a machine, and what I'm doing is not ART, but just.. a drawing. I admit, I find a sort of sick zeal when what I draw looks exactly like what I'm taking reference from, but seriously, that's IT.

I don't know how I'm gonna go about changing this. I'm kinda upset where my art is heading towards right now, knowing that I'm capable of so much more. I guess I gotta learn not to be so anal and to master the art of perspectivism, not be so narrow minded. Proactivity - that's what I seriously need. I need to indulge in the fleeting moments, liberate myself from the set constraints and go a step further. I need to DARE, to push myself to go where I've never thought I could go before. Maybe this will be at the expense of my other subjects, but I'm past really caring now. Art is my true calling. I may not get into it immediately after A Levels, but I definitely want to make it a career, sometime.

van can't sleep. SIGH. Found Weejin's present already :) Haha it was real difficult shopping for him. Everything's so NOT Weejin. Eventually settled on.. something, that's economical and affordable, so it won't blow a big hole in my angpow money haul.

Meh, Liverpool lost to Man City. Didn't watch the match, but yeah I'm disappointed. After watching them beat Juve 2-1 on Wednesday morning, this is kinda disheartening. Oohyeah, I forgot to mention that miracles do happen cos HuiEe msged me and told me that I did "damn well" for Whitby. 33/50. And I thought I was gonna fail. I swear, Whitby must have been (a) drugged, (b) intoxicated, (c) charitable. Amazing.

Kidney scan's a-ok. There's a cyst in right ovary but it's functional, so it's nothing serious. Have to go back in June for another scan though, just to make sure. Dropped by MacRitchie after my scan, and to my delight found the whole team there :) Went out with the senior girls to J8 for Teppanyaki! Gosh I really missed everyone a whole damn lot, and it was really obvious that I was practically over the moon. Tom was like saying how happy I looked. Haha. In the pink of health, finally :)

Jason and Szewei kept INSISTING that I had an op. Jason even demanded to see my scar. I was like O_o. It wasn't appendicitis lah. Heh. So cute.

I swear, I loveee Woodlands library. The Literature references are amazing. I can just spend hours buried amongst the works of Blake, Donne, Shakespeare etc. Who cares if I have to travel all the way across the island to get there? Went down today to do research for my History S paper with Weejin. Had fun. I love books. I want my own library next time :) After dinner, Weejin pointed out Orion's Belt and the North Star to me. One of the rare nights where the sky is clear and not marred by awful rainclouds :)

Everyone's been so sweet :) PS, Mich, Rach are all saying how it feels "weird" and "not right" without me around. Awww. You guys are so adorable. I honestly do miss school and training. Just came to realise that since I won't be training this Saturday, it'll be one whole week of layoff from training, save for the 2.4km that I jogged on Tuesday before I fell ill. The thought of missing one week of training is kinda scary. What happens if I can't keep up when I get back? It doesn't help that I have to miss the Monday and Friday trainings cos of art. I'm so gonna suck. Bah.

Anyway, thanks to Ms Suhaili for extending the History S Assignment deadline for me. I initially intended to get it to her by this weekend via email, but she told me to fully recuperate and hand it in NEXT week. I'm gonna try to get it out of the way asap though, in return for her magnanimity. Thanks also to Rach for msging me the topics for Drawing & Painting. To Chit, Malcolm and Joyyyy (haha) also. I'm gonna use this time to catch up on work. By the way, has anyone got my GP essay??

Just got discharged from Thomson Medical Centre. Some urinary bacterial infection that caused excruciating pain in my lower abdomen, so much that I couldn't walk straight. Thankfully it wasn't appendicitis like they initially suspected though, so after one day of confinement, I'm out.

Seriously, my stay at the hospital totally gave "boredom" a whole new meaning. Staring at the ceiling, watching the second hand of my clock travel 360 degrees (repeatedly), watching news of the Pope on tv.. it's just sheer utter BOREDOM. Never will I ever say I'm stoning again, for nothing compares to what I did for 12 hours in that damn room. ROOM 609. Hell. I had a total of five needles stuck into me. Blood tests, IVs, injections, xrays, ultrasound scans etc. Not to mention the gigantic bill, amounting to about $1000++. To quote my dad "Wah, even more expensive than Shangri-La!"

Thanks to everyone who msged and called though, especially to Chew, Thong and Andrew who took time off after training to come visit. Weejin, Tom, Mindy, Rach, Mich, Peishan, Jasmin, Huiying, Liyana, Davina, Cher, Sam, Mel etc. Thanks all of you for your concern. I'll be back in school hopefully by Friday, and back for training next Monday. Thanks to my parents, my aunts and my sis for slacking in that room with me.. and not forgetting the doctors and nurses. Really couldn't have survived without you people.

The weekend saw me participating in the duathlon and attending a fashion show at The Tent @ Ngee Ann City. The former was a great experience, teaming up with Liyana, and finally pacing Huiying again. Dejavu Road Run, only we had Mr Yong with us. At water points, I ran ahead to get water for her, and constantly ran in front to draft. Courage, tenacity, perseverence. The 4km fell way short of a Standard Chartered, and was only half of what me and Michelle ran with our bags, but it was a sheer test of endurance. For me, it was a rather traumatizing experience. 4km with your left lace untied, and not being able to outsprint my opponent because of that cursed lace. Now, don't try this at home, kids.

The fashion show was largely breathtaking, save the fact that we waited 1.5h for the doors to open. (So much for fashionably late huh?) When we got in, we found that there were NO seats left, so we had to stand, and I couldn't get any bloody pictures. Damn.

Left school early today because of a sudden rash, again, that was kinda killing me. After waiting 1h and 45min just to see my bloody doctor, he said he was "perplexed" as he couldn't exactly pinpoint the cause of the rash. Great. Wonderful. It's insane, this whole rash thing. Maybe I should just pop my pills and leave it alone instead of losing sleep over it. Bleargh. Now I feel like throwing up.