A warning/disclaimer: This is gonna be incoherent.

An empty swing. It sways, like someone has just gotten off. Sometimes I don't know why red and blue make purple. What goes into red, and what goes into blue, that suddenly make them turn purple when you mix them together? Fast forward the movie of your life, to ten years down the road, and where are you? It is this inexplicable sensation, where pure unadultarated joy courses through meandering streams.

I do remember you, though you may think otherwise. Little flower. Reminisce, and smile at the picture-perfect memories that somehow shattered along the way. The wind has changed, and so have we. You have your life, and I have mine. Hello, how are you? On opposite ends of a wrecked bridge we stand. Things might never be the same again. The connection, the bond, the pulsating emotions. It's insane. Beyond reason, beyond logic. Way beyond the locus of imagination you belong.

Saccharine sweetness makes me overrun with guilt. Can one stand the test of Time? I have no faith in Time, for it brings with it unpredictability. To mull the year away, expecting something, piles on the pressure. Each day is a conundrum. The same conundrum to which the solution keeps morphing. Antithink. How can you stop the thoughts. Automatic. Some riddle that I don't wish to solve, but yet I subconsciously try to unearth the answer. Walking contradiction. Enigmatic.

Funny how things can suddenly change. It's a mystery. A labyrinth in which you walk, stumble, with X marking the spot, and just when you think you're closer to the heart of the maze, you turn and, yes, what do you see? A very familiar X marking the spot. I'm not even so sure anymore. It's driving me crazy. My heart won't be your ragdoll anymore.

Anyway, on a less despondent note, to quote my doctor, I'm "in good shape" and I don't have to see him ever again. Hip hip hooray. Well there's still an appointment with the podiatrist in April to sorta "correct" the leg length discrepancy. I've been slowly getting my running back on track, and I hope to see results.

Had a rather enlightening consultation session with Mr Lee today. Finally, after 2 months, I've found my focus. TRUST. That's what my A Level art project will focus on. How do you know who to place your faith in? How do you know they won't backstab you? Socrates claims that there's some inherent good in people, but is that true? The whole world is out to get you, and there's no light at the end of the tunnel. People all around you might be putting on a mask, and you never know what's real and what's not. This is a dark, evil world, and being on my toes all the time is my only armour. It's the only thing I can do to prevent myself from getting hurt. It's all a facade, actually. Our lives are all a lie. Sad, but true. I lost my rose-tinted glasses last year, and I have no intention of making a new pair.

To you. Don't take it out on me, please. I want to connect, I want to talk to you, but you just ignore me, even though I'm talking to you face to face. You claim you're tired, but who isn't? I'm tired, but I do make an effort. I'm really drained, you know? Investing everything isn't really reaping the results, and it's sucking everything from me. It's come to a point when I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel, and finding nothing there. Please don't do this to me anymore, don't take me for a ride.

Also to you, and you. Clinging on is painful. I've been there done that. So don't. The guilt's getting to me.

Training today was quite crap. The waves were enormous, and as I was rowing from KL to SDBA, this gigantic wave came from Merdeka Bridge (the waterski area), and I had no idea what the source of the wave was. Odd. Throughout training, I felt like the I was gonna get catapulted off my seat. Thankfully I didn't cap. Couldn't really move too. It was like pulling sludge. SO much resistance. Yikes.

I hate math with a passion. Honestly. I don't know why I'm learning to find out the volume of curves when it's rotated about a particular vertical line. I don't give a shit. I think it's such a waste of my time, when I could be honing my skills in other areas which I actually enjoy. I want to do art, but the other subjects are hindering me from pursuing this artistic liberty that I really crave.

Sad to say though, there's not much future for me if I do art. Interior design, fashion design etcetc. It takes A LOT to carve out a niche for yourself in these areas, especially if you're talking about Singapore, which has a pathetically infinitesmal market, which is already saturated with aspiring interior designers. They don't need another one.

Looks like I've gotta be content with being a housewife or something. Ha. But I gotta learn how to cook first.

Happy Vday, lovers. Hope all of you had a great one, significant other or not. Mine was ok, apart from Yif's ploy to make me fat. Training was kinda fun. Dips plus IFAH alternate, then ballgames/simple exercises. Cabbed to school this morning cos I was late/lazy, and to my horror, reached at an ungodly hour of 615. Went for 2 rounds warm up then 3 rounds fartlek. Fun. I love running in the dark! I should do this more often. I could tell that Sam thought I was crazy. She yelled at me "VAN?! It's too early!!!" Heh.

I went home after training. SERIOUSLY, I did. It just happened that we took the same bus k? I mean, hello, where can 154 possibly bring a person to a date?! Sheesh.

Thank you :) :) For everything.

I was really really pissed today. I hate it when he springs last minute training on us like that. I mean, hello, we have a life dammit. I hate having to cancel all my plans for YOU. I honestly don't mind if it's just a short training, but to let it drag for FOUR BLOODY HOURS is just fucking insane. You don't test or guage commitment by who can cancel their plans. I had two gifts to buy, and I ended up only getting the gift for ONE person, because of you and your unreasonable whims and fancies. Bastard.

*simmers down* Yeah, after training, went to town for dinner and to buy my mom's bday present with Tom. Got her Magnolia shower gel and a brownish tinted lip balm from L'occitane. $48 bucks in all. On my way home, this middle aged guy came up to me and started crying, begging for money so he could take a cab to see his sick grandma. He was all like, "I'll pay you back tomorrow!" and I asked "And how are you gonna do that?!". I refused to lend him the money of course, but he - get this - KNELT down and started pleading. That totally floored me, and I told him off straight in the face, asking him where his pride was, and wasn't he embarrassed to reduce himself to that level? He was really sobbing, but I was really surprised at myself, that I didn't feel an ounce of pity for him. Perhaps he wasn't conning me? I don't know, but one can never be too careful.

Valentine's is coming. I have to say it's a tad too commercialised though, but oh well we ARE slaves to commercialisation so of course I'm jumping on the bandwagon. Ever since my IJ days, Vday's always been more of a friendship day to me. I love getting gifts for my friends, and I love receiving stuff too :) I don't really care about whether some guy comes over and declares his undying love for me, that would be just tacky. All I need is the NINE of you sweeties to brighten up my day :)

CNY today was mundane actually. Celebrations were really crappy. If not for Sam keeping me alive during the concert I would have dozed off on my chair and oozed to the floor and melted into some Vanessa puddle. Met up with Lings after that. Thanks for the solid perfume sweetie :) My mom loves it too and she intends to get one of her own. Met a whole bunch of people in town. Charlene, Karen, Sam, Bon, Mathilda, Estelle, Mindy etcetc. We bought Huimin her bday pressie, then I went to get my wrapping paper from Prints before going home for reunion.

Spent my night watching Mary Poppins. I love the show, it keeps me so enthralled and it's really amazing how many life's lessons you can learn from it. When I watched it when I was younger, I don't think I got the crux, but right now, I have like, attained enlightenment or something. It's heartwarming, and I'm glad I dug out the VCD tonight.

This week has been hell. Pure, unadultarated hell. For the first time this year, I can truly say that I've had a productive week. What with mugging real hard and completing most of my work, I honestly feel competent and satisfied - which explains the lack of entries here. I haven't been online much actually.

Cheryl: Just wanna let you know that we'll be here for you to bitch to, for you to cry on etcetc. I really sincerely hope you'll not look at the world through rose-tinted glasses for that can be really dangerous. Blame the cynic in me, but believe me, you'll never realise how mean people can be till you experience the full blast yourself. I love you babe, if you ever need some girl-to-girl talk you can always come to us yeah?

Honestly, some people are just rotten to the core. I guess past experiences have really changed my perspective on life. I've become more apprehensive, that's for sure, and I've stopped thinking that my glass will always be half-full. Perhaps I'm jaded, but I don't think I have much of a choice. I've also become more negative, and I always prepare myself for the worst, so when the worst happens, I won't be caught shell-shocked. Maybe you might say that it's not healthy to think like that all the time, but it helps me to cope. Honestly.

To someone: You perplex me.